Cart Calamity

Hello all from my Teen Mom Monday night ritual,

I am currently dying from laughter as I notice things like the sign in the DNA testing center window that says, "Trust, but Verify." Classic. Congratulations Chelsea on finally passing your GED exam after two seasons. You go girl.

My other Monday tradition is going to the grocery store to purchase food for the week. Mondays are by far the worst day to attempt to go shopping. All the starving college kids are scouring the aisles for the BOGO deals and all the adults are there picking up their medications, making the pharmacy line ridiculous.

Last Monday, I decided to buy a starfruit to try it. There were some guys standing around debating about getting one. They sounded like they knew what they were talking about so I decided to ask them how to eat it. I have never had a starfruit before so I didn't know if you ate it as is or if there is a special way to prepare it. While deep in conversation, this busty African- American woman came barreling through the small walkway where we were, boobs about to pop out of her sundress. Instead of veering mere inches around us, she demanded very loudly that we do the "'cuse me dance," and then proceeded to push her cart right through the middle of us. I am amazed at how rude people are. The boy and I just stared at each other, stunned.

Tonight was just like any other Monday shopping run, crazy as hell. I was only picking up a few things, which is what I always say. I get in there with a thirty dollar list that somehow grows to a whopping eighty dollar bank breaker. It's like the glowing green Publix sign puts you in a trance that makes you buy stuff that you do not need. Like seriously, who needs three different kinds of goat cheese? Apparently I did.

Since I was only there for more cauliflower and jell-o, I picked up a small basket instead of grabbing a cart. Well, a gallon of milk and a small case of Virgil's cream soda later, my arms felt like they were going to fall off. My basket was now overflowing with things I hadn't intended to buy. I could not help getting the original Ritz Crackers since they were buy one, get one free. Those BOGOs really are a goldmine. They could have baby formula on sale buy one get one and I would probably buy it. Do I need it, no. Is it cool just because its free, yes!

The lactic acid was building in my shoulders from carrying everything and I was about to have to set everything down, when I saw it. Sitting in the middle of the walkway between the pharmacy and beauty products was a deserted cart. There were only two toothbrushes in it and nobody was standing around it. I decided I had better not mess with it because as soon as I put my stuff in, someone was bound to walk up to claim their territory. I made my way around and grabbed the Ritz crackers. When I was on my way back to the walkway, the box was slipping out of my hands. The cart was still there, untouched. It was clearly a sign that it was meant for me.

I walked over and loaded my stuff into it quickly before someone saw me doing it. I had just slipped my basket off of my arm when I heard a deep manly voice.

"Hey man, did you see what I did with my cart?"

Oh, no! My heart sank to my butt. I looked up to see a boy in a tank top asking his friend and looking around bewildered that his cart had suddenly vanished. My instincts were screaming at me to keep walking, just keep your head down and go! GO DUMMY GO! But of course, I did exactly what I should not have done.

"Did your cart happen to have two toothbrushes in it," I said very quietly. I saw his face twist into something unreadable. It was either amazement or he was pissed off.

"Yeah, it did! Did you see it?" the boy asked.

"Well, this is it..." I said looking at anything but his face. I waited. He had that Jersey Shore guietto type look, like he could possibly be on steroids. Like he could snap me over something really stupid, like accidentally on purpose stealing his shopping cart.

Instead of freaking out on me, he laughed and told me I could keep it. When I asked if he was sure he got really close to my face and made an ugly look and said, "What the F?!" I must have looked scared because he laughed, patted me on the back, and said, "Nah girl I am just kidding, you can take it. Have a good night"

I guess the cardinal rule to grocery shopping is this: never never ever take a cart other than from the front of the store. As innocent as it looks, you are being deceived. There is someone using it. You are committing a shopping felony. Do not take the cart!