Spring Breakers

Hello all,

I regret to inform you all that I am no longer on Spring Break. It was a nice little vacation away from my ridiculously hard college load. I mean, only having school on Tuesdays and Thursdays can really wear a girl down (my inner soul is feeling very sarcastic tonight). Regardless, it was nice to be somewhere other than Tallahassee. West Tennessee street was starting to look like a concrete Slip n Slide to Hell.

So, I left off with us finally getting on the road to PCB. After two hours of a two lane highway and jamming to my insanely awesome playlist which includes a mix of Wicked Soundtrack, Brittney Spears, and Jason Aldean, we made it to the condo. It was one of the seven tasks of Hercules to get all our crap out of the car and up to the room. I was feeling pretty run down after the whole running out of gas thing and driving for two hours. Chelsea was insisting on going out. The thing you have to know about Chelsea is that she is pretty much a firecracker and has to go go go all the time. This makes her the perfect gym partner. Had it been up to me, we would have sat in the living room and watched Breaking Dawn part 2. Thank goodness it wasn't up to me because that night at Spinnakers was amazing!

For my fellow Tallahassee Lassies and Lads, you could say Spinnakers is a Potbelly's but about twenty times better. It has two outdoor decks with several bars. The decks housed a country band and a rock band. There was an inside part that was more club like playing a mix of hip hop and house music. Can I just throw out that I really really really cannot stand house music? Some of it is okay I guess, but that needs to be left in Miami for the Ultra freaks. I mean I could sit on a computer and put beeps and sirens that sound good together and be famous... Hey, that's not a bad idea at all, but I think I will stick to blogging. Spinnakers was definitely my kind of place though. It was the right balance of chill and hype, outside and inside, bar and club, and fresh air and sweaty dancers. I highly recommend it to anyone in the PCB area.

The next night we went to the world famous Club La Vela. I have to say, I have no idea why it is world famous. The cover is ridiculous and after you pay it you really don't want to buy drinks. Go to Club La Vela they said, the celebrities rage there they said. If I was a celebrity I would not want to party there. Surely, there is a secret passage to like the one in Narnia that takes you to a better part where the world's most celebrated go and get wasted at. I'll say this, the rooms were really cool. They have something for everyone. If traditional clubbing is your thing, there is a room for that. If you want to step back into the 80's and rock out to Guns N Roses, there is a room for that. There was one room that was particularly frightening. It was called something like the Pussy Cat Lounge, I am fuzzy on the details. It was like I had walked into Christian Grey's red room of pain. There was a big red plush bed where some couple were literally fornicating on. Along the walls were sleek leather couches where boys and girls engaged in racy conversation and make out sessions. Above the couches were pictures of naked women, like really naked. There was no holding a python to cover the breasts or standing in front of a bush to hide the one between their legs. It was just out there for everyone to see. I wondered who these women were. Some of the photos were signed. Perhaps they were famous porn stars. Well girls, this just proves you don't have to be a centerfold to have your picture out there for horny college boys to see.

Speaking of hormone ridden college boys, the boy to girl ratio was pretty awesome. Awesome for the ladies that is. Too bad everyone down there was on drugs. Seriously some kid almost got beat up because he was jumping around like an ape and knocking into people. I don't know what he was on, but he took way too much. I have an issue with men at the club. When did it become okay for a guy to come up behind you and start dry humping you as an introduction? I mean, what happened to saying hello and asking first? Is that outdated now? Did I miss the cool and happening boat? I don't know what you boys are thinking, but we will still turn you down flat even if we can't see you so you might as well just face us the manly old fashioned way. You see, girls have a code, a system so to speak. While we are there to dance with our girlfriends or a boyfriend if we have one, the prospects of dancing with a cute fella are not totally improbable. So, we may let you come up and dance with us, especially if we are on the hunt for a new man and smell blood. However, we will give a look to our other friends in the dance circle. The look is to say, "Do I dance with him? Is he good looking or is he a total nasty?" If we get a smile and nod or some sort of agreed upon signal, we just might continue to dance with you. However, 99 % of the time, we get the widened, horrified eyes and slight shake which means, "You need to get away from him! RUN GIRL RUN!" Then we will proceed to do that awkward shimmy away from you and deeper into our group of friends maneuver. If I was a dude, I would not want to be dancing on some girl and then her just suddenly dart away from me. That has to be a serious ego killer, but I am sure some of you need that every once in a while. Just save yourself the bubble buster and don't do it. We are not an open pole that you can just come and rub your body all over.

I had one promising interested party eying me at La Vela. He was tall, had facial gruff, and you could see the definition in his arms and chest underneath his tshirt. I gave him an extra point for his sexy stubble, but then had to take it away when I noticed that his shirt was an Abercrombie logo tee. He had been watching me for a while, so I was attempting to make myself look as desirable as a girl could whilst being knocked into by drunken fools and sweating. Eventually he made his way over to me. He asked me if I wanted a drink. I turned down his offer, you aren't supposed to accept drinks from strangers. He could have carried me off to Rape Land on the Ru-phenol Express. He walked away but he was persistent. I like that in a man. He asked me if I wanted to dance and I said sure. So we were dancing. It was pretty decent. I mean it wasn't ballroom dancing or anything, guys just sort of stand there while you go all Chicago on them. He grabbed my arm and pulled me close and whispered something in my ear. Just wait. It is not as sexy as it sounds. He asked me if I was "rolling." Now, I had no idea what that meant. My body was rolling but I had a sneaky suspicion that that is not what he meant. So, I said no and kind of got away from him. I asked my friends what that meant and they looked at me and laughed. Apparently, rolling means you are on a drug called Molly. Why do we name bad things with girl names? Like Kesha is pot, Nina is a gun, and now Molly is a brain rotting drug. Needless to say, Abercrombie cowboy lost all his points for "rolling."

Poor Michelle was getting hit on by everyone, including all the thug nasties. Thank the Lord her Hispanic temper came out and she was able to fend for herself. If she needed back up, Sandy was there to jump in and save her. The two of them are dynamic duo and are great party partners. None of the boys even put up the good Harvard try after they got through saying no to them. If they did, they would end up sorry and walking away with their tail between their legs.

The last night we went to my personal favorite, the Coyote Ugly Saloon. It is just like the movie! There were clothes lines running across the ceiling that displayed bras of every color and size as decoration. If I had not been overly fond of the one I was wearing that night I would have gladly added it to their collection. It would have made for a great story to tell the grand kids one day. But I kept the bra on and boobies retained. There was the iconic metal pipe hanging up over the bar for the girls to get up and dance on. I saw guys reaching up and slapping the girls' behinds so I skipped out on that experience too. I had on really high shoes too. A bar plus me plus dancing plus high heels equals a visit to the ER and a few weeks in a cast on some body part.

I did indulge in one of Coyote Ugly's famous attractions: the mechanical bull. My friends were laughing at me saying I wouldn't be good at it, but I fired back that I have ridden horses since I was a little girl. Eventually you learn to hold on if you don't want to be walking funny from falling on your butt. I was terrified though. The mechanical bull looked vicious as I watched it sling victim after victim off onto the blow up mat. There was a crowd of people standing around watching that did not dissipate when it came time for my turn on this beast. I approached the bull with caution, as though it were real. I placed my hands on its back and attempted to mount it. I say attempted because I completely underestimated how tall it was and how short I was, so I missed it and fell back down onto the padded floor. Talk about embarrassing! These people were probably like, "look at this girl, she can't even get on!" But I shook off my blushed cheeks and jumped up on it like a pro. The man behind the bull started to twist the knobs that would inevitably throw me off. To my surprise, I did not fly off. I stayed on for a hot minute. 5 dollars bought you three attempts. My second round with Bucky was not as good as the first, but I was still holding on for longer than the bull master wanted. On my third ride, he really cranked it up and I only lasted about 15 seconds. He spun me so fast that I flew to the edge of the mat when I fell off. I had saddle rash when I got off because I was wearing shorts that night. The sides of the bull had rubbed my thighs raw. The bull tech offered me some soothing lotion. I looked closely at the bottle and it had a note that read, "to be applied by the bull tech only." I politely declined his offer.

PCB was completely amazing. I think everyone deserves the real college spring break experience. Even though I will have graduated by the time the next spring break rolls around, I plan on doing something similar around the same time. I am thinking of going out of the country or on a cruise. I am 21 years old and have yet to leave this country, I think it is about time.