No Hair, Don't Care

Hello all,

I would like to start with saying I was told yesterday by someone I had just met that I am, "one of the top ten coolest people to meet in Tallahassee." I mean I have to say, I was/am pretty flattered. Apparently, I am pretty funny and I give off the feel that I "give 0 f's" about things that most do and shouldn't. My head is about the size of my car tires right now. Thank you for your generous compliment Angie! It was awesome meeting you and Sammie yesterday and I hope to see y'all again soon.

So, two nights ago, I told everyone to be on the look out for post about a "procedure" I was having done. After someone on Facebook wished me luck, I feel as though procedure may have been the wrong word. It may have been too strong for what it was that I was actually having done. I have since then changed my mind. It was a hell of a procedure.

Yesterday morning, my friend Chelsea and I dove head first into a field of cosmetic care we knew absolutely nothing about: waxing. And not just like eyebrow waxing. Oh, no my friends, we went as hard as you could go with waxing and got the mother of all hair removal tactics done: a full Brazilian wax. Yes, I did it and this is the story of how.

Spring break is here. It is less than 24 hours away now for FSU students. Originally, I had no plans. I knew one thing was for certain, I was getting the hell out of here. And I don't mean like out of here back to my home in Glen. No, I wanted to go somewhere away from everything I know. My mind and body are craving adventure somewhere else, and I see spring break as the perfect opportunity to give into their demands. I wasn't sure where I was going until Chelsea and her awesome self decided to invite me along to her dad's friend's condo in Panama City Beach. Naturally, I agreed before she could even finish her sentence. Who wouldn't be all in on that offer?

I started planning for this a few weeks ago when she mentioned it. I was already mentally putting outfits together, adding up the cost of tanning oil, and going to extra Cardio Party classes. I lost a pants size and I am happier about how I look now than I was a few weeks ago. I'm not as jiggly in certain spots, and this makes me smile. I still have a long ways to go though and I am ready to embrace the challenge even further. I have a sneaky suspicion that all I lose, he is gaining. Checkmate bitch.

I was in the shower about a week ago (I have bathed since then, but this particular shower is when the idea spawned). By now, you should all know that I absolutely detest shaving. It is such a chore and no matter how many times I go over my ridiculously white legs, I always miss a spot. As I popped the top to my Winter Candy Apple body wash, I had a horrifying thought, I would have to shave every single day while I was at the beach. I shivered with disgust at the thought. I have extremely sensitive skin, so shaving every day is not an option for me. I thought, I can deal with my legs, but there is no way I can take care of other parts like that. While I massaged my orgasmic smelling shampoo in my hair, I thought, "I will go get a Brazilian!"

Clearly, the chemicals from the shampoo had somehow seeped into my brain and affected my rational side. The normal me can barely stand getting my eyebrows waxed. I have the pain tolerance of a three year old, where boo boos that don't bleed still need band aids and kisses. Unfortunately, I shared this erratic idea with Chelsea. If you are on the fence about doing something crazy, do not tell Chelsea. She is extremely brave and up for just about anything unless it has to do with heights. Before I could change my mind, she booked our appointments at Brazil's on West Tennessee Street. There was no backing out now. I mean, I guess I could have, but my curiosity and inner warrior had gotten the better of me.

So, yesterday, I woke up at the ridiculous hour of 9 a.m. to prepare for this waxing fiasco. When I wake up that early, I lay there and usually fall back asleep. Of course, when I needed to be somewhere, this happened. When I woke up again I only had about fifteen minutes to find a little something to munch on as there was no way I was doing this without having something on my stomach, and get all the way over to Monroe Street. All of my fellow Tallahassee lassies and lads know that making it down this highway to Hell in that amount of time is about as easy as climbing a tree without using your arms. I threw back a few Ibuprofen and snatched a Nature Valley bar out of the pantry and rushed out the door to make my appointment. Even with the cop right beside me the whole way, I made it on time.

After signing in and being asked a few questions, I was led back into a quaint little room with the sunshine peeking through some blinds. I thought, this is nice. As I am now writing this, I realize that the blinds in a waxing salon are probably unnecessary... I mean I am sure the specialist is used to seeing what she sees on a daily, but had those blinds been left open, there may have been a few car wrecks on West Tenn. So, why are there blinds?!

I took off my linen yoga pants as I had been directed, and sat down in my chair. I scrambled with the medical draping they provided me. I don't know why I was being so self conscious, I was about to have my stuff out there inches away from a woman's face. Sitting partially naked in a gyno like chair should have been the least of my worries.

The brave soul who was about to do her thing with my thing came in the door and introduced herself as Beth. I immediately launched into the story about how my mother initially wanted my name to be Cara Beth, but dad talked her out of it because it sounded too much like Carebear. People ended up calling me that anyways so I guess it could have been okay. Beth looked like she wouldn't hurt a fly, but I had a mental image of her being a Helga or Olga who was going to rip out my soul along with everything else, as she told me to inch down to the edge of the table. She pried my knees open like a book and got to work.

The wax was warm but not overly hot. They use a hard wax which is not anything like the sugar wax used for eyebrows. There are no paper strips involved with this kind, it is more sanitary, and hurts less. I was scared to death as Beth and I talked. She did a really good job at keeping my mind off of what was actually going on. She asked if this was my first Brazilian and I said yes. Like a sissy, I asked if it hurt. She said it was more shocking than anything, I could feel the color draining from my face.

RIPPPPPPP! The first strip came off. Yep, it was very shocking. Shocking in the sense that it hurt, but not like all the reviews said online. When people ask me what I would rate the pain on a scale of 1-10 I say it was about a 7 almost everywhere. It only hurt for a few seconds after the wax was pulled off. Don't get me wrong, it was painful, but tolerable. I told Beth I needed to see one of the strips. I told her it would make me feel accomplished and that the pain was worth it, kind of like when you put on a pore strip. Those little beasts hurt, but when you see all the dirt and clogged gunk it removes, you feel so rewarded for the trauma you just went through. She told me she would show me when she got a good one. I mean, from the feel of the first one, it was a good one.

I say it was a 7 most everywhere. There was one spot that was almost completely unbearable. It was right on the center part called "the hood." Really, what a name! I remember seeing this on one of the piercing signs when I got my belly button done and wondering what it is. Well, I got to know it really well whenever she ripped that strip off. I swear it was like she was trying to rip my vital organs and soul out along with the hair. I screeched like banshee and snapped my legs shut. I felt like I could crush her head with my knees it hurt so bad. That was a definite 11 or possibly a 12 on the Richter scale of ouch. It was the worst part of the whole process.

Beth said she was done with the front. If you don't know, a full Brazilian includes the front and back. I had to turn on my side and pull one knee up to my chest. Then she told me to lift up a cheek, and not the way a smile does. I was mortified, but made a joke that I needed a forklift to do that. She said I was hilarious. She was serious though and told me to pay attention or I was going to get stuck together. Holy wow. Surprisingly, this didn't hurt at all. Beth made me flip back over so she could put on the finishing touches. I saw her break the wax back out and I said, "you better not be going back to that middle part, I can't handle that again." She reassured me that she was not going there. I was still iffy until I felt where she put the wax.

She held up a mirror in front of me, like an artist proud of her work. Needless to say, I love it and the pain was totally worth it. It looks completely different and feels super cool, if that is not too much for me to say. She said the boy I meet on the beach will really appreciate it, I just laughed that off. There will be no one night stand for me, I'm not about that life.

If you have ever considered "going to Brazil" I highly recommend checking out Brazil's. Body waxing is all that they do and they are experts at doing what they do. I asked Beth how she felt about looking at vag all day. Her reply was, "I make about 1000 dollars a week, I am good with it." Maybe I am in school for the wrong thing. Anyways, thank you Beth for your mad waxing skills. See you in 4-5 weeks:)

I think it is crazy the things we women go through to feel and look pretty, but then again we are crazy. If the shoe fits, do wild things in them.