A Gentlemen's Game

Hello all from the Loft. Okay seriously, there has got to be an illegal grow operation around here somewhere. Once in a blue moon, it smells like someone is burning an invisible forest of pot somewhere close to where I roost. I was chatting with my Nanny earlier as she let my sweet dog/child Layla outside to come spend the night with me upstairs, when we both joked about standing outside for a few minutes to take a few deep breaths. The smell is so pungently strong that you could probably get high from just chilling on the roof up here for a while. But I have never cared to do that so I am currently not out on the roof, but inside cuddling with Layla.

This is going to be a Cara Code for the gentlemen tonight. I have been debating on writing a post about this for a while and I apologize in advanced for the vulgarity that may spawn from my mind whilst typing this out. I feel as though people can handle it.

CC Rule #3 Let's Not Talk About Sex, Baby

Okay so a while back a friend of mine convinced me to join a website for dating with her. Miss Pansy Pants couldn't go in alone so I reluctantly joined with her. Why not, I thought to myself as I entered all of my information from favorite types of movies to preferred body type. My conscious tried to rationalize with my inner self-loathing Sadi (Sadi is short for sadist. This chick is one cold hearted demon). "You might actually find someone cool on here," she would coax as Sadi just stuck her tongue out and denied any such thing as being possible.

To my surprise, I received quite a few messages. It definitely was a confidence booster. Some of the guys were extremely good looking and then others were just your average Joes. I have a thing for in between hawt and average. The ones who are so extremely blessed in the appearance department know it and are annoying and too narcissistic for me. As I have said before, there cannot be two queens in a relationship with me, and the crown already fits my head so...

Anyways, I like talking to strangers so after being hit up a few times, I started to respond. Huge mistake. The first guy I talked to was obviously very sexually frustrated and kept making bad jokes about him and his hand like he was in a Pink song or something. First off, ew. Do not actually talk about "beating off" or whatever it is called with someone you don't actually freaking know. Nor should you suggest that I am the one who could be your cure all to your sexual cravings. Ugh. I am getting grossed the fuck out just thinking about it now so I'm done here.

The first time you talk to a girl it is definitely not appropriate to bring up sex. Bringing up sex during the first encounter is about as cool as us verbally putting our first name with your last name out loud. When a boy and girl meet for the first time, the guy automatically tries to visualize the gal naked and the girl tests out the names to see if they sound good.Seriously, the next time you meet someone of the opposite sex who you are interested in, catch yourself on what you think of first. And a little light bulb will go off and say, "Damn, that Cara Lady was right!" It's okay to think that shit in your head, but let it come out of your mouth and it's all of a sudden weird.

I talked to another guy who was just your average Joe and he was actually pretty cool until he said, "So why don't we meet up, go out and get to know each other, have sex and then see if we like each other?" I am giving him the benefit of the doubt in hoping that he didn't mean doing this all in the same day, but just for the fact that he mentioned sex was a complete turn off. That's just so demeaning and crude. Is that the natural order of things, yes. Should you say it out loud, no. It freaks us girls out and puts our father's voices in our minds chanting, "they only want one thing." And everyone knows we hate for our parents to be right.

*needless to say, the OKCupid app is no longer on my phone*

If you want to actually get to sex, don't discuss it at first. Trust me, we are trying to guess how big your thing is by looking at your various other body parts (although there is no actual science there) as much as you are trying to figure out if our boobs are push up bra boobs or natural. Girls are probably think about sex more than guys do, but we don't say it out loud in front of the guy we are attempting to entrap for a while. It makes us look easy and sleazy. No man wants to wife that. Just like we don't want to husband someone verbalizes his desires to bend us over the chair at Longhorn's on the first date. Keep the pornos in your head for now. Good things come to boys who wait.

CC Rule #4: You can Have Whatever you Like

The one thing I absolutely cannot stand is when a guy says, "what's in it for me?" when I ask him to do something. SERIOUSLY?! This is not a freaking business deal where people are losing and gaining. I always test guys with this. Sadly, only maybe one has passed this test, although I cannot be sure which bf that was. When I ask you to rub my feet or grab me a Coke from the fridge, just do it for the simple fact that you like to see me happy. If I am happy, you can be certain that I will go out of my way to make you happy. Do not ask a girl what is in it for you when she asks you to do something. That indicates that anytime we want something small, you automatically expect sex. So one foot rub= orgasm now? That is in no way an equal equation. When you just do these nice things for us without breaking out the bartering bats, we take mental note and I promise we will give it back to you ten fold exactly how you are seeing it in those naughty daydreams of yours. Trust me, we will take you on a trip around Pound Town and back in the Fuck Truck if you don't ask. But once you ask... Just don't do it okay?

So, what have we learned here today? Keep your dick in your pants and your thoughts in your head on the first date and for a few that follow. We will most likely let you know when it is okay to be suggestive by our body language and if we start getting closer and more suggestive ourselves. Your plans to get in our pants will be completely foiled if you mention it too early. Do not ask what is in it for me over a small task of sitting through a chick flick. That's your job man, that's what you signed up for when you started dating a GIRL. You have to do girly shit and be up to our girly needs of being pampered. If you can handle being our masseuse for ten minutes after a long day at work, we can most certainly handle being the Anastasia Steel in your Fifty Shades like fantasies.