Hello Mother, Hello Father

Hello all,

I am in a sad state tonight because tomorrow is Mother's Day, and I won't be able to go home and celebrate with my Mom and Nanny. The Old Navy people need me to assist the husbands and fathers who run out tomorrow at the last second to buy something because they forgot. They can thank me when they go home to a happy wife and their balls still intact. If I was a mother, which I thank the Heavens that I am not at the moment (I like shopping for my little not-really-niece too much to afford a baby of my own for right now), I would literally not speak to my husband for a week if he forgot the fact that I birthed out his watermelon sized love child. Like I didn't forget to go into labor and have it so you can remember to buy me something to commemorate the body altering event.

Even though I cannot be there tomorrow with my Mom, Nanny or Grandma, they know how very much they mean to me. And since I can't get them anything until next weekend, I am dedicating this special post to all the hawt Momma's in my life. Y'all should be okay without the presents though, I'll be able to afford something better than what it would have been come this Friday after that paycheck comes in. Until then, this will have to do.

Let's start with my Mom: So many years ago on a Valentine's evening, my mother went into the hospital because I was not moving. Her due date was not until closer to March but she felt as though something wasn't right. After an examination (gosh that is such a daunting word), the doctor told her she needed to be admitted to have me now. Of course, she freaked out, but not because I may or may not have been in harm (even though I'm sure she was scared), and she said, "Um no, I have to work tonight, like my dog is at home." I honestly wish I could have seen his face at this response. That sounds exactly like something I would say to this day.

So Mom went in to have me and my unfortunate talent for arriving late started in the womb. She went in on the 14th to have me and I did not make my world debut until the 16th around 8 at night. My dad was there too, but he was never one for medical procedures. Mom tells me that he almost missed my birth because he got sick and retreated to go get some lunch. Mom's response: bring me back a cheeseburger.

After she had me, she said that we stayed up all night. See, my insomnia is all her fault. She started me off wrong letting me stay up late. No wonder I was uncontrollable for the next few years.

I have so many crazy, hilarious, awesome stories about Mom and I. I'll share a few of my favorites with y'all. When I think about my mom, these are the tales that come to mind.

I was about 11 years old when I met Cassie. After that, we were totally inseparable. She often stayed over at Mom's house with me on Mom's weekends. One weekend, she woke Cassie, Tyler, and myself at like 4 in the morning and was like, "HEY! LET'S GO TO UNIVERSAL!" We asked her when she wanted to leave. Right this instant was the only thing that even made sense to her. So we left about 30 minutes later to get there when the park would be opening. Seeing as it was 4 in the morning, there wasn't a whole lot to see in the car to keep us occupied. Mom had recently bought the new Outkast CD and popped it in to entertain us. She said, "Y'all have to hear this song that they wrote about me, it's called "Caroline"." The song was actually called Roses, but why correct her. We listened to that one song the whole entire way down there, all of us screaming the lyrics out with the windows rolled down on the highway. When I think of music and my Mom, this is what always comes to mind.

You know a mother really loves her child when she does something like my mom did in this next story. When the Disney Movie Anastasia came out in movie theaters, Mom took me to see it. Like usual, she bought my brother and I a treat from the snack bar. That day, I wanted Reese's Pieces. About halfway through the movie I decided to stick one of the little chocolate pieces up my nose. Why? I don't have a damn clue. Why does my niece like to pretend there are monsters in the house and then scream when I am "checking it out" to scare me? Why did my little sister call my brother Sissy for years? Why did my little cousin Jason like to beat me in the head with fistfuls of dirt when we were wee tots? Here's my logical answer: Kids are weird little shits.

So I placed the candy up my nose. I just let it sit there. I have to say, as I am writing this, I am just astonished and giggling at how embarrassing this is. I was so strange! Anyways, I decided I had had enough of the candy being up my nose. More than five minutes up the nose was unacceptable for me. I tried to pick it out but only pushed it farther back. I started to panic when it got so far back that I could no longer feel it with my finger. I got so scared that I began to cry and scream for my mom to get it out! She took me out of the theater with my brother who was mortified. She looked up my nose in the light of the lobby and couldn't see it. I was making quite a commotion and got the attention of some of the movie attendants who decided to call the fire department. How cool was I, getting a full fire squad over a piece of chocolate stuck up my nose? No, it was far from cool. I was horrified when I saw them all walking towards me in their gear and sticking things down my nose to try and get it. Nothing was working. I heard one say to another that they were going to have to take me to the hospital. I hated the doctor as a child and I immediately went into meltdown mode screaming for my mom to not let them take me. Being the awesome mom she is, she decided to try something else before she would let them take me. She had a sick idea. Mom grabbed a straw from the dispenser near by and stuck it up my nostril. Very slowly, she began to blow. It felt really weird and quite uncomfortable, but she made it clear that it was this or the doctor. After a few minutes of blowing, mom sucked all of the melted chocolate out of my nose. Thinking back on it now, that is obviously true love. You know that chocolate had boogers and dirt mixed in with it, HOW DISGUSTING!!!! But it was an act of sheer love that only a mother could perform for her child. Thanks Mommy!

As I grew older, my interests changed from placing inanimate objects up my nose to boys. I was 13 when I began to like this boy that my brother's friend Ben brought over to the house. Ben liked Cassie and I guess he wanted me to be entertained, so he brought Wesley. As soon as he stepped into my mom's van, I liked him. He smelled so good and had on a pink Abercrombie polo shirt. Pink on boys who smelled good was a teenage girl's dream! Well, I flirted with him and he was reciprocating the feeling so I started to become infatuated. Ben was having no luck with Cassie, so he went to play Halo with Tyler like they normally did. These little Halo parties lasted for days without one of them moving farther than the bathroom, so it was no surprise that Ben wanted to stay the night at our house. He always stayed over so it wasn't anything out of the usual. Since Ben was staying, Mom decided that she really didn't feel like driving Wesley all the way home and told him he could stay over too. We only had one rule; no boys allowed in my bedroom. Easy enough to follow. Around midnight, Cassie and I said goodnight and went back to my room to go to sleep like the good little angels we were. Ben, Wes and Tyler were all zombified in front of the television, not paying a lick of attention to us so there was no concern for any canoodlings that night. Mom went to bed with a good sense of everyone being where they should. That is, until about 3 in the morning when she bust through my locked bedroom door where Cassie and I lay sleeping and said, "I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO DO!!" wagging her finger in my unadjusted eyes. Her concern for our virtue had woken her up from her slumber. She dragged us all out of bed and the boys away from the TV to take Ben and Wesley home. Of course, I was very upset that she didn't trust us and because I thought she was being ridiculous. We started to argue and yell at each other and I said I couldn't understand why she thought we were bad. Her solution to the problem was this, "You know what? When you are 18 you can do whatever you want. You can have a huge orgy party if you want. I'll make the invitations out to say "Come all and orgy!"." Cassie and I still laugh about this to this day.


The one thing about my Mom that really sticks out to me is that she is so over the top about everything. It is not necessarily a bad thing. For instance, when I got my arm pulled out of socket when I was a little girl, she bought me a wiener dog named Tiny as a get well present. Seriously, I didn't have to wear a cast or anything and ended up with a puppy! When I told her I wanted to have a Halloween party with my friends, she rented out the Ag Center in Macclenny for it. It is a bad thing though, when she wanted to stand near the sidelines at my high school football games and do my cheers with me. No kid makes it through without being embarrassed at some point. I thank you Mom, because it now takes a ton to embarrass me. But she is normally over the top in a good way. When I am having a bad day, she drops what she is doing to see that my frown turns upside down. Whenever I have a break up with a boy the retail therapy bill can be made into a belt, whenever I get a bad grade on an exam, she rolls out the red carpet to a movie and dinner. She always takes my side when someone has "wronged" me, no matter if it was really my fault or not. She always goes above and beyond to make sure her little princess is as happy as a circus clown.

Mom has given me a lot in life from herself. Aside from the fact that we look exactly alike, she has given me a loud, strong voice, a don't let anyone get you down attitude, a very caring and loving soul, an interest in books, and cry and get over it method to life problems. She babies me, caters to me when I don't deserve it, sticks up for me when I am wrong, and above all, she loves me. And I love her, so very very much.

Mom, if you have ever had any doubt how much I appreciate you and love you, I hope this finds a way to put all that to rest. You mean the world to me and mine is possible because of you. Thank you for everything!