Just Friends

Hello all from my blue chair in the corner of my room,

I am currently sitting here trying to type up a study guide for my exam tomorrow while sipping on some hot green tea with a blanket draped around my shoulders with the blinds open. Some guy walked by about fifteen minutes ago and blatantly stared into my window. We made awkward eye contact. Perfect way to start my day.

Today I would like to take you guys to a dark scary place. It is a place that all men/women do not wished to ever visit. Pause for dramatic effect.... The friend zone! Yes, we have all been friend zoned at least once before, probably by someone you really like. That is typically the way it goes. You can never run a touchdown into the friend zone of someone you don't really care to date. That's life I suppose.

When I was in high school, I was dating this boy named Kyle. We used to be friends in middle school. Probably what we should have stayed. I was a mean girl, and he was so sweet. Not so much anymore from what I understand. What a shame. There was this other boy (who I ended up dating for quite some time) who I liked a lot. From the moment I saw him, I didn't stand a chance. He'd break my heart some day, but he could have run over me with a steamroller and I wouldn't have minded at the time. I was head over heels infatuated. Turns out, he liked me too but had a girlfriend. He didn't break up with her quick enough for me. That is where Kyle came in. I friend zoned this boy for a long time. And it drove him absolutely insane!

One day, he had had enough of the friend zone. We already knew we liked each other, but I refuse to wait on people. He had his chance and he blew it. He would be waving the friend flag for quite a while. He came over to my house and interestingly enough, I was attempting to bake a cake for Kyle's upcoming birthday. He said he would help. If a girl invites you over to help her with a project she has going for another boy, you are so deep in the friend zone that you might actually have to fight to smell fresh air. Boy brought a movie that he claimed was his favorite of all time. Anyone want to take a guess at what that movie was?????
Ah, I'll tell you anyways. He brought "Just Friends" with him that day. Of all the freaking movies. I knew what was going on, but I played it like I didn't notice. He wanted me to see that people in the friend zone are capable of being more. He was trying to say, "Hey, I am better than the boyfriend you have. That cake should be for me. Get your ass over here and come snuggle up under my arm and let that thing burn!" Sadly enough, at some point I gave in. The cake was a hot mess, I am no Martha Stewart when it comes to baking from scratch. Cooking from scratch is more of my thing. So I let the big chocolate mess sit on the counter while I watched the movie with him. I was in some deep crap for this boy. I was in trouble. But he was safely in the friend zone and he knew it. He was going to have to put in some man hours to claw his way out of it. Eventually, (5 months later) he was out of the friend zone and into a whole knew zone with me. He probably should have stayed in the friend zone in hindsight. Oh well, you live and move on.

So, let's go through and talk about ways you can identify whether or not you have been given the friend zone penalty flag.

1) If you ask a girl to dinner and they suggest lunch, you are in the friend zone. Night time suggests being close and holding hands under a table, while the afternoon promotes kicking back at a not so romantic spot where there are bound to be other people in close proximity, making being close an issue. Lunch is for boyfriends and girlfriends, not someone trying to be one. Now, breakfast is a totally different story. Breakfast is hot. If you are asked to breakfast, you are safe. For the adults, if you stay the night with someone and they ask you to breakfast instead of just running to get to their daily to do list, you are safe.

2) If you only receive text messages from this person of interest and no phone calls, you have been friend zoned. Texts are impersonal, phone calls are deep. That's just how it is.

3) If you go on a date and the date refuses to hold your hand that is sitting in an inviting position on the movie theatre chair so close to your arm you can feel the heat radiating off of it, you have been friend zoned. If this happens, save your dignity and run screaming in the opposite direction! You have definitely been friend zoned.

4) If you go out on a date and the date insists on paying for their own dinner after fifteen minutes of bartering back and forth, you have been friend zoned. Most girls will give in eventually, knowing they were just trying to be polite and not wanting to give off the gold digger vibe. But if in the end, if she pays, you have been friend zoned.

5) If there is no awkwardness between the two of you, you have been friend zoned. Friends are easy to talk to, to be around, to do anything with. Awkwardness is for two people who legitimately like each other and do not know how to express it. Thus, the awkward feeling at the end of the night when you don't know if you should kiss or just run and leave before stuff gets real. I don't mean so awkward you don't know what to talk about, I mean just the tiniest bit of awkwardness is enough to keep you safe from the friend zone a bit longer.

6) If you lean in to kiss a girl and she turns her cheek, you have been friend zoned. A girl may say she is just playing hard to get. Bull crap. If she likes you enough, she wants that kiss like she wants a new pair of Jessica Simpson pumps or a new puppy. She will return the kiss, even if it is just a peck kiss, if she is has any interest in being more than just friends.

7) If you only talk during the day and have no communication at night, you are in the friend zone. Girls, especially, like to talk at night when they can't sleep or when they are bored. I say this from personal experience. If we aren't texting you at night, you can be sure there is someone else who is not in the friend zone that we are.

8) If you are not already dating but a girl is dragging you to the mall to go shopping, you have been friend zoned. Unless you know the initial attraction is already there, then you are fine. Hey, you might get lucky in one of the dressing rooms (huge fantasy). However, if you have no idea where you stand with this girl, do not go shopping with her. It also depends on the type of shopping. If a girl is going shopping for a dress and invites you to come, you have been friend zoned. If she asks you to go shopping and then drags you into Victoria Secret and asks you how things look or if you like certain things, you may be safe.

9) If the girl you are interested in is telling you all about her problems with men, you are in the friend zone. If she is constantly blathering to you about how so and so doesn't like her or there is one guy she keeps bringing up, you are in the friend zone. She is trying to beat it into your brain that there is someone else that she likes. This guy may be real or fake, fake because she would rather be with an imaginary man than you. She could be testing the waters to see if this will make you jealous if she does like you. 99 percent of the time, this is not the case.

10) If a girl keeps reiterating that you are "such a good friend" you are waaaaaayyyyy deep in the friend zone. So deep, you are never coming out. The reason we are saying it over and over is because we have figured out that you like us and we do not like you back and are trying to keep you in the friend zone before things get weird and we can no longer hang out with you. We want to keep you around, but not like that.

11) If a girl avoids touching you, you are in the friend zone. If we like you, we will touch you. All over. We will touch your arms, your hair, your nose, your lips, your butt, anything that can be touched will be christened with our fingers at some point. Also, if she recoils from your touch, you are in the friend zone. We love when boys play with our hair, tickle us, hold our hands, put their hands on our legs, etc. If you aren't getting to do any of this, you are in the friend zone.

12) If a girl tells you that you are just friends, that's all you are. Period. You have been officially friend zoned. Stop attempting to bring yourself out of it. They could be sending you all the signals in the world but if she says it, that's all you are, a friend.

Now, be fully aware that there are exceptions to all of these rules. That exception will probably be the person you fall madly in love with. There will be a girl who will not hold your hand in the movies but then kisses you like you have never been kissed when the night is over. There will be someone who talks about how miserable their love life is and she/he is trying to gauge your attention to see if you can be a knight in shining armor to come rescue her. Unfortunately, this is normally a one time thing. If you are lucky, it will be a last time thing.

Sorry gents, my analogies and stuff really work better from a girl's point of view. I have tried to work y'all in as much as possible. Just replace girl with guy where it is appropriate. It will save me from trying to make things sound good and failing miserably. Anyhow, there will be someone who breaks all of these rules. You will feel you are so far in the friend zone that there is no hope and somehow you will be snatched out of it at the last second when you are so close to giving up. And the person who saves you may not be the person you are interested in.