Fit for a Queen*

Greetings from sitting in front of the TV watching Plastic Wives,

Yes, this is what my night has resorted to, eating cabbage and watching the most ridiculous network on television, TLC. Kathy Griffin revealed a shocking truth to the FSU student body at POW WOW this year that TLC stood for The Learning Channel... I never would have guessed. I suppose Gypsy Sisters Third Cousins Removed Weddings and Honey Boo Boo child marathons are really educational somewhere. I feel ashamed sometimes that this is what other countries think about our culture. Too shamed as Destiny would say. I am not hating on these shows, I sit here and watch them religiously. However, I wouldn't use them and educational in the same paragraph, let alone the same sentence. Anything that says, "a dolla makes me holla" is killing brain cells.

Speaking of women who look like men (I mean seriously, some of those "gypsies" are so unnatural looking it is scary. It's like they inject self tanner into their veins), I did something interesting this weekend. Taytum, Cassie, Destiny, Sierra and I all went out for a girl's night. Except this was no ordinary G.N.O, we embarked into the mysterious world of Drag Queens at a quaint little place called Hamburger Mary's.

For those of you who live under a rock, a drag queen is a man who dresses up in women's make up and clothing. I have to say, some of them looked really legit. Not the slightest penis bulge in sight. Destiny asked me what they did with their junk and I told her that if they didn't have an actual sex change, they simply tucked it up in their hiney crack. I have never seen an expression come across anyone's face like the one that she managed to make. It was a cross between, "Ow, I just stubbed my toe," "Ew, someone farted," and "Omg, that is hilarious."

I personally do not know how men deal with something swinging around in between their legs. I'd probably do the trusty tuck, too, if I was a man. Maybe I would like it if I was a man??? Hmm, these are the questions I ponder about while eating Sour Patch kids. Must be something in the candy. Like maybe that powdery sour stuff is really crack.

Anyhow, back to the ultra fabulous queens. When we arrived at Hamburger Mary's there was a wait. We had made reservations under my name earlier that week when Taytum had this genius idea. However, being the divas that they are, the queens were running late so we had to wait at the cantina bar outside. We sat and talked overly loud for about thirty minutes before we got to go inside. You would have thought we were shouting across a football field. Nothing mixes better than a little Three Olives and girl talk.

Once we got inside and after Cassie asked/demanded we be sat closer to the stage, the show began. It was astonishingly great! They were hilarious! Their boobs all looked so real! Like real-er than mine! After an hour of feathered boas, extra high heels, and powder blue eye shadow, the show proceeded to end with a game of song suicide. This is where the queens come up on the stage and they play random songs and the queens improvise quickly with a made up on the spot routine. One of the songs was Supercalifragialisticexpealidocious (spell check flipped a lid when I typed this in. It's out of commission with a headache) from Mary Poppins. The queen from Orlando in a shiny, tight, gold dress with one boob concealed and the other exposed with a pasty on her nipple got shot dead with this one. She proceeded to shake her whole body at warp speed. The breast that was exposed was doing the helicopter, around and around in a distorted circle. I couldn't help but stare. I was hypnotized. Beware all drag queen enthusiasts, do not look into the boob! LOOK AWAY!!!!!

Some of the songs they played were country songs. Most of the restaurant guests piped down when they came on, except for our table. We all freaked out like we were at a Reba concert when Fancy came on. We got really vocal on the , "I might have been born just plain white trash" part, literally screeching at the top of our lungs. True Baker Countians. Sierra is not a Baker County native, but that night she was adopted into the family, where she will forever remain.

It was the perfect girls night, full of friends, music, fried mac and cheese balls and balls balls. Definitely one for the history books. My friends and I have made a promise that we will return to Hamburger Mary's soon. I have to say, it is on the list of future bachelorette events. I promise to always write about these outings and the craziness they bring.

I must say, I really admire these woMen. They embrace who they are and flaunt it hard. I have traits and aspects of myself that I do everything in my power to hide and conceal, but they let it all hang out. The queens taught me to relish in my weirdness (more so than I already do) and that you can never wear too much mascara. The subliminal message, I think, is this: be who you are, take risks, have fun and do not be ashamed of yourself. Don't wear emeralds in your imaginary crown if rubies are your thing. Something like that anyways.