CaraCode: Scary Movies

Hello all from my late night posted up in front on the tv,

I am watching Shutter Island which is something I rounded up all of my friends to see when it first came out in theaters a few years back. We thought it was going to be a scary movie, but it is more of a thriller mystery kind of film.

Since I have watched The Purge and Mama in the past two days, let's talk about CaraCode on scary movies.

Scary movies are the prime time date for guys and gals. It's the perfect way to break down those touching barriers. They give ample reason for the two of you to get close without the guy appearing too touchy and the girl not wanting to in the first place. You could be the most unattractive man who smells like a boot and we will practically sit in your lap during a scary movie. You know we are going to snuggle right on up to you when that little creepy ass girl pops up in the background or that scary, chilling music starts playing right before someone gets killed.

There are no rules in a scary movie. Every feeling or action is acceptable. People scream, cry, rock back and forth like they belong in the movie, eat candy like it might be the last you ever tasted like Lew was doing, hide under their friend's armpits, run from the theater as though they were being chased by Freddy himself, etc. You can't really get mad at anyone in a scary movie for being loud. At some point in it, something is going to pop out and scare the hair off your arms and you will jump or yelp loudly too. So all that "shhhhhhh" business that is actually more annoying than the scary movie behavior is in the first place, is really quite pointless.

I love black people in scary movies. I don't mean this in a racist way, but they make scary movies almost funny. They like to point out the obvious stuff out loud and make their predictions about it known to the world. There was a part in the Purge where a little boy is shining a flashlight and people are looking for him. First off, how freaking stupid. If some scary ass person in a mask with a machete is looking for you to Purge you, you best cut that flashlight off. Nothing says, come and find me more than a beam of light shining like the north star in a dark ass basement. There were a few black ladies in front of me who were hilarious. When the little boy had the flash light on you could hear them saying, "AH what the fuck man, turn that shit off. They gone get your stupid ass. Stupid as fuck man. Look at this little boy playing with the light shining it like it's the lights in Las Vegas. Stupid little boy needs to sit down. (turns to friend) Girl did you hear that? They is someone down there! I can't look this boy is so stupid.OH MY GOD HER SHE COMES! AHHHHH AHHH AHHHHHH, I told you to turn that shit off she got you now. You gone die boy!" Seriously the funniest thing I have ever heard. I almost forget how scary it is because I am laughing at what their movie commentary.

Everyone knows that after a scary movie, you watch cartoons. Preferably Disney channel. It is just automatic. It's like, now that I've seen 9 people get stabbed through the eyeball, I'm going to need some Phineas and Ferb or old school Lizzie Mcguire. Do not try to go to sleep directly after a scary movie. All that candy you almost choked on in combination with the scary theme music they play when someone is creeping around a corner is sure to send you directly to nightmare land without passing go or stopping on boardwalk. Seriously, eat some fast food or candy before bed and get prepared for the strangest dreams you've ever had. There have been scientific studies on this, and if they want a test subject, sign me up. I'll wake up and just be amazed that my brain could concoct such a scenario with dancing wolves in yogurt rivers with Magic Mike doing back flips off a tree. Literally, I've had this dream and several other ones that are weirder than that. Every time I eat anything greasy I have a dream where I feel like I am falling off something and I wake up about to pee my pants because I literally think I am falling. I grip the bed sheets like I am holding on for dear life. So, definitely watch you some cartoons after a scary movie. Pop in Tangled or Dumbo and have a drink while you forget all about The Strangers did to that nice couple on their mini honeymoon in the scary ass woods. Seriously, who in the actual hell goes on a vacation deep in the woods with no neighbors around for miles and miles.

If you are drinking during a scary movie, know how it is going to affect you first. On one hand, it could mellow you out and you could be like, "Ah, crap he's dead," instead of "AH SHIT DAMN HE JUST GOT ANNIHILATED." But on the other hand, it could make everything ten times scarier. Mr. Wannamaker brought this up to me in a discussion about scary movies and drinking and I felt it a good point. Know how you are before you chug a beer and go watch Scream. Ain't nobody got time for a bad drunk in a scary movie.

To wrap up this CaraCode on scary flicks, they are perfect for you and your special someone to snuggle up to. Guys, it's a great way to get her to hold your hand or every other body part like you have been salivating over for weeks. There is no code of conduct on how to behave during a horror film. All manners might as well be birds as they fly out the window. Take some of your African American friends with you, they break up all the scariness with their amazing commentary on what everyone in the scary movie is doing, and watch Pooh Bear before going night night so the bad guys don't chase you in your dreams.