Hello all from my post in the loft,
I am currently watching criminal minds while eating popcorn shirtless. Someone please feel free to stop my insanity. But knock first. Me eating popcorn is not a cute thing to witness.
Tonight I would like to talk about what guys think about every 7 seconds and what girls think about every 2 seconds. Let’s talk about sex baby!
So, a lot has been going on lately on my twitter feed about sex. Seriously, my twitter is the social network version of Fifty Shades mixed with Teen Mom this week. There are always people making out and tweeting naughty things. Hi my name is Cara Overstreet and I am one of those people. Not on the making out part of course, none of that going on here lately. I am pretty sure that by the time I find a suitable mate, I will have forgotten how to “put your lips like this.” That’s cool though, I am willing to forget my own name if it will be Ezra Fitz reteaching me everything. But I do tweet some raunchy stuff on occasion for kicks. It is all for fun. Like last week when it was kind of blustery and rainy outside I tweeted, “This weather makes me want to dry hump #honestyhour.” Obviously I am not the only one who feels this way about the rain because I got a hefty handful of retweets on that one.
Sex has been exploited from the privacy of a bedroom (kitchen counter, bathroom wall, tile floor, turned on washing machine, dressing room, unpurchased RV, trampoline at your best friend’s house,…) to everywhere we look now a days. But I feel as though there should be some rules about one’s sex life and how you portray it to the world/not portray it to the world.
1- If you are in high school, go ahead and sit down. It is in no way, shape, or form appropriate for you to portray anything about your sexuality to the world. Better yet, you better not even be giving glimpses. Now, I am not trying to say sex is an abhorrent act that will send you directly to hell without passing go, but I am not advocating it for teenagers either on here or anywhere else. If you are 18 or younger, please refrain from posting videos such as you kissing other girls with guys cheering in the back ground, pictures with your ass and boobies hanging out of whatever skimpy outfit you snuck under your hoodie to get out of your dad’s house, photos with liquor bottles with captions that say things like “turnt up,” videos of you and a guy doing whatever it is y’all do, or anything else. Like seriously, you don’t even know what being “turnt up” is. Turnt up for the youngins should be like having two back to back sodas on top of a bowl of fruit loops. Stop.
I know girls these days think that it is cute or whatever to put stuff like this out there for everyone to see. Not picking on the younger generations, I am just pointing out the obvious from what I see on my newsfeeds and everywhere else. It so isn’t attractive though. Nobody thinks that is cute. A photo with a caption that says “ I just love this outfit” and the only part of the outfit you can see is the triple deep v neck shirt she is wearing over her fake push up bra boobies, does not say classy on the street and freak in the sheets. It just says nasty as hell and open for business, swipe your card here. If you can’t get into the movies after 9 without adult supervision, just stop. Actually, nobody of any age should share themselves with other people via pictures and videos. It’s gross. Ain’t nobody got time to watch you go all National Geographic moose mating season meets Farrah’s sex tape.
2- Quit telling everyone who you banged last week. Especially guys. I really can’t stress it enough. Guys may be smiling and nodding as you go on about whatever three minute fantasy you are exaggerating about, but inside they are thinking, “Ew, holy shit stop. I am getting graphics now. AGH I can see his penis! STOP!” They might like it for a whole of two seconds, because they are guys and can’t help it. It sends the wrong message though. It says I don’t have any respect for myself and you can skip the whole breathing the same air, talking, dating, kissing, stages and jump right into the sack. And word gets around. You tell one person and they tell three more and so on. Pretty soon you’ve got an Easy A situation where people start acting like your vagina (or penis for the guys) is a candy bowl on Halloween.
The only people you should be sharing your sexcapade stories with are your best friends. And by best friends I mean like the one or two people who you would recruit to hide Jimmy Hoffa’s body in Mt. Rushmore like it is part of a National Treasure movie. Just be discrete y’all.
3- If you find yourself comparing notes on a boy with your friend, you have messed up. I heard a story recently from some friends up north about two girls who slept with the same guy…. In the same night… in like the same 12 hours or less… They got into a bit of a scrap about their performance and one was like, “well he said I suck dick better.” And the other was like, “He said I ride better.” EW, EXCUSE ME WHILE I VOMIT EVERYWHERE!!!!!! SHUT UP!! First off, if you are a classy girl, you never say, “I suck dick” in any sentence, thought bubble, smoke signal, coded letter, etc. How…. NO can you get? Have some respect for yourself. Not saying it doesn’t go on, but lawd have mercy nobody needs that visual. You should definitely not sleep with the same guy your friend slept with in the past 5 years or so. That’s weird. Maybe forever depending on if it was like a meaningful relationship or a drunken midnight mash. Tread with serious caution.
4- Do not send naked pictures to anyone. Boy, girl, or panda bear in China. A rule of thumb that I came up with when sending naked pictures to someone is that for each person you send it to, add ten other people to it. I say this because I was sitting at a table with about ten people at AJ’s sports bar when a nameless guy in our group flashed us all a pair of naked breasts from his phone over our chicken wings.
I don’t care if the man kissed the bible when he promises he won’t show it to anyone, he absolutely will. I mean of course he promises not to show it. He wants to see the goods! He isn’t going to say, “Yeah sweetheart go ahead and send them so I can use them in a Powerpoint slide show for my pals later.” He says something like, “Nah baby these are for my eyes only. You are too perfect to show to anyone else. Don’t worry, you are mine. I promise it’s just between you and me. I’ll buy you a flying unicorn if you send me a pic” etc, etc, etc. Here is a CaraCode rule (even though this isn’t exactly a CaraCode post):
Rule 216- when someone says send me a pic, go on and delete that number.
Also, you can screenshot a snapchat. No naked snaps.
The people you send them to keep that until their phone breaks and the pictures don't transfer, and just show it around for fun later. The picture I saw was over three years old. Yeah girl, your boobies are out there in the atmosphere for everyone to see still. Shameful.
Everyone makes mistakes, but nobody accidentally takes twenty naked pictures trying to find the right combination of a cute/ naughty face, accidentally selects whatever boy to send it to, and accidentally presses send. Naked photo embarrassment is 100% preventable. Log on to my blog to find out more on how to prevent your photo from being passed around the dinner table like the bread bowl.
Just be smart y’all. Be sensible about how you present yourself to the world. When I was in high school and in the odd times when I actually stopped to think before I did something, I would always ask myself how bad Brad (aka Daddyo) would freak out if he saw/found out about what I was planning to do. If it was above a 5, I refrained from doing whatever my devious teenage plans were (most of the time. Kids will be kids).
Think about how you want everyone else to see you. I typically would say who gives a crap what people think, be your own bird, but this is a different case. Go for the penguin, little dudes have a tux built into their feather pelts. It doesn't get more classy than that. I am trying to come up with a slutty bird right now but I really can't so I think I am done here.
Stay beautiful everyone :)
Monday, June 17, 2013
Sunday, June 9, 2013
CaraCode: Scary Movies
Hello all from my late night posted up in front on the tv,
I am watching Shutter Island which is something I rounded up all of my friends to see when it first came out in theaters a few years back. We thought it was going to be a scary movie, but it is more of a thriller mystery kind of film.
Since I have watched The Purge and Mama in the past two days, let's talk about CaraCode on scary movies.
Scary movies are the prime time date for guys and gals. It's the perfect way to break down those touching barriers. They give ample reason for the two of you to get close without the guy appearing too touchy and the girl not wanting to in the first place. You could be the most unattractive man who smells like a boot and we will practically sit in your lap during a scary movie. You know we are going to snuggle right on up to you when that little creepy ass girl pops up in the background or that scary, chilling music starts playing right before someone gets killed.
There are no rules in a scary movie. Every feeling or action is acceptable. People scream, cry, rock back and forth like they belong in the movie, eat candy like it might be the last you ever tasted like Lew was doing, hide under their friend's armpits, run from the theater as though they were being chased by Freddy himself, etc. You can't really get mad at anyone in a scary movie for being loud. At some point in it, something is going to pop out and scare the hair off your arms and you will jump or yelp loudly too. So all that "shhhhhhh" business that is actually more annoying than the scary movie behavior is in the first place, is really quite pointless.
I love black people in scary movies. I don't mean this in a racist way, but they make scary movies almost funny. They like to point out the obvious stuff out loud and make their predictions about it known to the world. There was a part in the Purge where a little boy is shining a flashlight and people are looking for him. First off, how freaking stupid. If some scary ass person in a mask with a machete is looking for you to Purge you, you best cut that flashlight off. Nothing says, come and find me more than a beam of light shining like the north star in a dark ass basement. There were a few black ladies in front of me who were hilarious. When the little boy had the flash light on you could hear them saying, "AH what the fuck man, turn that shit off. They gone get your stupid ass. Stupid as fuck man. Look at this little boy playing with the light shining it like it's the lights in Las Vegas. Stupid little boy needs to sit down. (turns to friend) Girl did you hear that? They is someone down there! I can't look this boy is so stupid.OH MY GOD HER SHE COMES! AHHHHH AHHH AHHHHHH, I told you to turn that shit off she got you now. You gone die boy!" Seriously the funniest thing I have ever heard. I almost forget how scary it is because I am laughing at what their movie commentary.
Everyone knows that after a scary movie, you watch cartoons. Preferably Disney channel. It is just automatic. It's like, now that I've seen 9 people get stabbed through the eyeball, I'm going to need some Phineas and Ferb or old school Lizzie Mcguire. Do not try to go to sleep directly after a scary movie. All that candy you almost choked on in combination with the scary theme music they play when someone is creeping around a corner is sure to send you directly to nightmare land without passing go or stopping on boardwalk. Seriously, eat some fast food or candy before bed and get prepared for the strangest dreams you've ever had. There have been scientific studies on this, and if they want a test subject, sign me up. I'll wake up and just be amazed that my brain could concoct such a scenario with dancing wolves in yogurt rivers with Magic Mike doing back flips off a tree. Literally, I've had this dream and several other ones that are weirder than that. Every time I eat anything greasy I have a dream where I feel like I am falling off something and I wake up about to pee my pants because I literally think I am falling. I grip the bed sheets like I am holding on for dear life. So, definitely watch you some cartoons after a scary movie. Pop in Tangled or Dumbo and have a drink while you forget all about The Strangers did to that nice couple on their mini honeymoon in the scary ass woods. Seriously, who in the actual hell goes on a vacation deep in the woods with no neighbors around for miles and miles.
If you are drinking during a scary movie, know how it is going to affect you first. On one hand, it could mellow you out and you could be like, "Ah, crap he's dead," instead of "AH SHIT DAMN HE JUST GOT ANNIHILATED." But on the other hand, it could make everything ten times scarier. Mr. Wannamaker brought this up to me in a discussion about scary movies and drinking and I felt it a good point. Know how you are before you chug a beer and go watch Scream. Ain't nobody got time for a bad drunk in a scary movie.
To wrap up this CaraCode on scary flicks, they are perfect for you and your special someone to snuggle up to. Guys, it's a great way to get her to hold your hand or every other body part like you have been salivating over for weeks. There is no code of conduct on how to behave during a horror film. All manners might as well be birds as they fly out the window. Take some of your African American friends with you, they break up all the scariness with their amazing commentary on what everyone in the scary movie is doing, and watch Pooh Bear before going night night so the bad guys don't chase you in your dreams.
I am watching Shutter Island which is something I rounded up all of my friends to see when it first came out in theaters a few years back. We thought it was going to be a scary movie, but it is more of a thriller mystery kind of film.
Since I have watched The Purge and Mama in the past two days, let's talk about CaraCode on scary movies.
Scary movies are the prime time date for guys and gals. It's the perfect way to break down those touching barriers. They give ample reason for the two of you to get close without the guy appearing too touchy and the girl not wanting to in the first place. You could be the most unattractive man who smells like a boot and we will practically sit in your lap during a scary movie. You know we are going to snuggle right on up to you when that little creepy ass girl pops up in the background or that scary, chilling music starts playing right before someone gets killed.
There are no rules in a scary movie. Every feeling or action is acceptable. People scream, cry, rock back and forth like they belong in the movie, eat candy like it might be the last you ever tasted like Lew was doing, hide under their friend's armpits, run from the theater as though they were being chased by Freddy himself, etc. You can't really get mad at anyone in a scary movie for being loud. At some point in it, something is going to pop out and scare the hair off your arms and you will jump or yelp loudly too. So all that "shhhhhhh" business that is actually more annoying than the scary movie behavior is in the first place, is really quite pointless.
I love black people in scary movies. I don't mean this in a racist way, but they make scary movies almost funny. They like to point out the obvious stuff out loud and make their predictions about it known to the world. There was a part in the Purge where a little boy is shining a flashlight and people are looking for him. First off, how freaking stupid. If some scary ass person in a mask with a machete is looking for you to Purge you, you best cut that flashlight off. Nothing says, come and find me more than a beam of light shining like the north star in a dark ass basement. There were a few black ladies in front of me who were hilarious. When the little boy had the flash light on you could hear them saying, "AH what the fuck man, turn that shit off. They gone get your stupid ass. Stupid as fuck man. Look at this little boy playing with the light shining it like it's the lights in Las Vegas. Stupid little boy needs to sit down. (turns to friend) Girl did you hear that? They is someone down there! I can't look this boy is so stupid.OH MY GOD HER SHE COMES! AHHHHH AHHH AHHHHHH, I told you to turn that shit off she got you now. You gone die boy!" Seriously the funniest thing I have ever heard. I almost forget how scary it is because I am laughing at what their movie commentary.
Everyone knows that after a scary movie, you watch cartoons. Preferably Disney channel. It is just automatic. It's like, now that I've seen 9 people get stabbed through the eyeball, I'm going to need some Phineas and Ferb or old school Lizzie Mcguire. Do not try to go to sleep directly after a scary movie. All that candy you almost choked on in combination with the scary theme music they play when someone is creeping around a corner is sure to send you directly to nightmare land without passing go or stopping on boardwalk. Seriously, eat some fast food or candy before bed and get prepared for the strangest dreams you've ever had. There have been scientific studies on this, and if they want a test subject, sign me up. I'll wake up and just be amazed that my brain could concoct such a scenario with dancing wolves in yogurt rivers with Magic Mike doing back flips off a tree. Literally, I've had this dream and several other ones that are weirder than that. Every time I eat anything greasy I have a dream where I feel like I am falling off something and I wake up about to pee my pants because I literally think I am falling. I grip the bed sheets like I am holding on for dear life. So, definitely watch you some cartoons after a scary movie. Pop in Tangled or Dumbo and have a drink while you forget all about The Strangers did to that nice couple on their mini honeymoon in the scary ass woods. Seriously, who in the actual hell goes on a vacation deep in the woods with no neighbors around for miles and miles.
If you are drinking during a scary movie, know how it is going to affect you first. On one hand, it could mellow you out and you could be like, "Ah, crap he's dead," instead of "AH SHIT DAMN HE JUST GOT ANNIHILATED." But on the other hand, it could make everything ten times scarier. Mr. Wannamaker brought this up to me in a discussion about scary movies and drinking and I felt it a good point. Know how you are before you chug a beer and go watch Scream. Ain't nobody got time for a bad drunk in a scary movie.
To wrap up this CaraCode on scary flicks, they are perfect for you and your special someone to snuggle up to. Guys, it's a great way to get her to hold your hand or every other body part like you have been salivating over for weeks. There is no code of conduct on how to behave during a horror film. All manners might as well be birds as they fly out the window. Take some of your African American friends with you, they break up all the scariness with their amazing commentary on what everyone in the scary movie is doing, and watch Pooh Bear before going night night so the bad guys don't chase you in your dreams.
One Night in Cancun
Hello all,
I am very upset to say that Game of Thrones is now over for a full year. I really don't know what to do with myself anymore or what I will make of my Sunday nights for the next 10 months. I guess I can like knit baby booties for my imaginary future children or recreate the ceiling in the Sistine Chapel in my apartment or something else totally ridiculous.
Sorry that I have not been blogging lately. I have been working like a slave at Old Navy. But that is totally fine because I absolutely love it there and all the people I work with are as cool as glaciers. Other than that I have been out living life and doing blog worthy things so that I have something legit to write about for all you lovely readers who are too loyal and awesome for me to really grasp.
With that said, I am dedicating a few blogs to some friends of mine. Over the past few weeks I have been getting a lot of time in with my friends. This time has been well spent because I was going stark ass crazy out here at this apartment alone. I thought I was doing fine until I started talking to myself. Not just normal out loud talking, but like full blown conversations with myself. Note* if you begin answering the questions you are asking out loud, it is probably time to get around other people.
I don't have a lot of guy friends anymore. Having a few back to back "serious" boyfriends will do that to you. It's like their cologne rubs off on you in a scent of "back the hell up, she is taken" so that everyone just automatically avoids you. Actually, I take that back. When you finally settle down and take the leap into relationship retention pond, all the finest boys come crawling out of the woodwork with an interest in you. All of a sudden, the boy you have been drooling over for weeks now looks like something from the Walking Dead compared to the charming fellow who has taken a liking to you. It is like, wow where was he 24 hours ago before I was with Jo Schmo over here?
I am happy to say that I have been taken in by two of the best boys ever. Hunter and Lew are both from good ole Baker County and have migrated West to attend the evermore prestigious Florida State University. I've known Lew since back in middle school when we weren't quite so keen on each other and Hunter is a more recent face in my life. We have been to a few sporting events together this year, which is always a pleasure. Sporting events with guys are so much better than with girls. I love how angry they get when something seemingly harmless to me happens.
After Cassie left me from her mini vacation out here, I figured out I was having boy withdrawals and thought I would call up my buddies for a dinner night. Lew has been out here for like two years now and has still yet to eat at any of the best hole-in-the-walls Tallahassee has to offer. It is a blasphemous act to not eat at Momo's, Monks, Gordos, Po Boys, and El Jalisco's while you are attending school here. I didn't want Lewyn to be damned to a sad food experience in Tally so I said, let's all go out! As always, I was craving Mexican food so I suggested El's. I also wanted a margarita, which are always 2 for 1 at El's. I felt tequila was necessary to ease my aching heels from working so much. I must say it is quicker than any pain pill on the market and it tastes better. I'm going to stop talking about tequila now because I sound like I need an AA class.
Anyways, I called up Hunter to invite him as well as I missed his bubbly laugh in my life. I told him to bring anyone he wanted, as I was down to be around people for once. His response made my tongue fall out of my mouth. To my pleasant surprise, he said, "I have Wannamaker here." Jeremy Wannamaker to be exact. I'll admit, I've pervertedly made fun of his last name for the past few days now, though I'll never say aloud what they are. Normally, I have no attraction to younger men, I have a taste for the older ones. Seeing as they haven't done me any good lately, my aversion to guys younger than me are waning. My girlfriends and I all have the "who would you go younger for..." conversation and well, I have to admit that he has cropped up in most of these little talks. But not just him or just by me judging, so I know I'm not crazy. We also throw Blaire Hanks, Hunter Hanks, and several others into this debate. I swear moms are feeding their boys something different these days, because they are all better and better looking. This boy is one of the best looking creatures I've ever seen. I think it must be his beard that catches my attention, we all know how much I love a good beard. Needless to say, I was quite happy that he would be joining us for dinner, even though we'd never really spoken to each other. Creeper alert for real. Keep it in your pants Carebear.
I got to Hunter's house all tooted up (Cassie and Aunt Heather's word for dressed to the nines). It was still a night out with the boys, so I didn't try too hard. The fellas had had a few and it made me ready to get the night going. We sat around talking until Lew got through playing with is lab rats up at the school and the conversation made me realize how out of touch with men I really am.
Eventually, I had them all rounded up and we were ready to go get our margaritas and tacos. I got to the restaurant feelings pretty pleased with myself. I was the only girl with three guys, I wondered aloud if I looked as lucky as I felt. I actually said out loud that I must look like a very lucky girl indeed. Mr. Wannamaker gave me a reality check by whispering, "Do you want to get lucky tonight?" I have an automatic slap reflex around men. Anytime they say anything or do anything that is remotely perverted, my hand flies through the air quicker than a rocket built by NASA. So, even though he was kidding around, my hand landed backside first in the middle of his chest with a loud smacking sound. The hostess looked far more shocked than she had when she heard what he said to me in the first place. She gave me a confused look and suddenly I was clear on guys again. I missed being around them and all of their perverted banter.
To make up for it, he pulled out my chair at the table. I rolled my eyes at him to make it clear he wasn't completely forgiven. We somehow managed to make it through dinner with me breaking down what Enchiladas were for Lew and what the mysterious red sauce on them is. We were all having a wonderful time, although I think Hunty had the best. He was so smitten that he got up to sing happy birthday, or I guess I should say Feliz Cumpleanos, to a table of strangers. There was a table of British crumpets sitting next to us and one stared at Hunter as though he was the funniest thing he'd ever seen and asked us how many beers he had drank so far. Enough to get up and bang a tambourine with Roberto, our spicy server. Poor Roberto, Hunter tried to order all of his food and beverages in Spanish and kept asking Roberto how to say cuss words in Spanish. I was too shame.
Lew got caught in the bathroom with two gay men who were arguing in one of the stalls. He said they were bitching and bickering like two women and then started making out all of a sudden. That sir is a sign to zip it up and go before you get invited to join.
As we made it through chips and salsa, Hunter hatched a master plan for the night. We would go back to the house and then go to Cancun's, which is another Mexican place. I never really figured out why Hunter wanted to go there so badly, but he insisted.
I think my favorite thing about the night was how they didn't stunt their conversation because I was present. They didn't hold back when it came to talking about hot girls and other things I didn't care to really hear about, but I was quick to throw out my female opinion here and there on certain girls, especially any of them who the boys were considering relationship wise. Not that it is my place to judge, but I thought they should know. Hunter and Lew acted as though I was a clear line to the cheerleader hook up because Chelsey is my roommate. Sorry gents, I only really talk with the male cheerleaders when they are with Chelsey.
After we stopped back at the house, we were off to Cancun's. This is where boys night out suddenly turned into one big cat fight. The best thing about hanging out with men, is they are men. They don't really care about anything and they aren't a bunch of drama queens like we are. Yes, if you are a girl, you are at some point in the day a drama queen over something. It could be over a girl "stealing" your boyfriend (aka, the boy you like but have never talked to suddenly asked out that bitch from Spanish class that you've never really had a problem with until right now) or it could be over the fact that McDonald's ice cream machine is "out of service" (aka they already broke it down for the night and don't want to have to make you one special). Unfortunately, I found out that every man has a little woman in them.
We arrived for a second round of the drinks that put Mexico on the map. Hunter opted for a cerveza. But not just any cerveza, he got something called THE TOWER. It is as literal as it sounds. THE TOWER is an intimidating serving of beer that is put into a long plastic cylinder like the ones at the gas stations that hold the ridiculously long Slim Jims. The thing is literally almost as tall as I am. It is 120 ounces of beer served with plastic cups for sharing, or not depending how stupid you are.
There was a table of women behind us, who were having what looked like a girls' night. Every single one of them there looked like they were on the prowl for unsuspecting men. Through a mouthful of salsa, one asked in sheer amazement, "What the hell is that?" pointing to the ominous tower of amber liquid. Lew was the only one who heard her at first and replied with a laugh, "I'm not sure, it's probably something I couldn't afford." The girl looked very offended, which was unfathomable as to why to me at the time. We all sat around talking the same talk we had at El's. Hunter's roommate Morgan met with us but we stayed quite for the most part letting the boys have their chat.
And suddenly, they all disappeared! The fellas had all just wandered off leaving us at the table. I wasn't worried about them though, nor did I care. My margarita had me very relaxed and unwilling to start a search party. So I sat there uncaring. Then Lew turned back up and said that Jeremy was gone and that he couldn't find him. I reluctantly got up with the thought of him getting into trouble and how it would spoil the night. I walked outside to see if he had run off to call the mystery person he'd been texting all night but he wasn't there. To my surprise, he was talking to two early 30s black ladies who were very nice and conversational. He was just chilling with them like they were old pals. And that's when Lew found us again and told us to come get Hunter before he got slapped.
This is where I found out why the unfortunate girl looked so put off by what Lewyn said. Hunter was visibly arguing with the woman and looked like he was kind of winning. The girl's friend said that she thought she heard Lew say, "It's probably something YOU couldn't afford." indicating that she was poor, thus offending her. First of all, you have two margarita glasses in front of you along with the chicken wings you are chomping on, you know what you can and cannot afford. Get real girl before you make assumptions. Second, you are like way way older than us, why do you care? Anyways, I heard Hunter call this girl a bitch and my little red flag was up. It was time to get the hell out of Cancun before someone went to jail. I wrapped my arms around his waist and was said something along the lines of, "Alright it's time to go dear," while the girl's friend started waving her finger all Beyonce-like as her anger at his name calling rose. Hunter sloughed me off of him and said he wasn't finished. He's a big dude, I am a smaller girl so I lost that tug-a-war battle. That's when Jeremy stepped in, who's bigger than both of us and made him walk away.
Everything after that was just insane. The boys started arguing because Jeremy wouldn't let Hunter finish the argument that he was "clearly winning" and Jeremy was pissed because he was just saving his friend from a fight with an "ugly, fat chick at the bar." I am probably editing this. I suggested a kumbaya moment or shots or anything to get this to be over. They weren't listening. I couldn't even be heard over all the bickering that was going on in my car. They sounded like a bunch of darn girls. No, I take that back, they sounded far, far worse than any girls I have ever heard fighting.
Wannamaker was mad enough to go all the way home because he refused to stay at Hunter's house, to which Hunter replied good and that he didn't care what he did. They sounded like a couple that was breaking up! Jeremy left and then I started getting mad at Hunter because he shouldn't have let his "best friend" drive home so late at night. We left to get him to come back, but after 60 phone calls and ten messages, we gave up. Jeremy refused to answer him but he texted me to let me know he was home safe. They made up 24 hours later when Hunter, Lew, Chelsey, Jacob and I went to see The Purge.
Moral of the story, every man has a little woman in them and it often comes out when the beer starts a flowing. Take a girl with you on your night out with the boys, so you have a little back up when they start scraping. Also, don't visit two Mexican fiestas in one night, one is obviously enough. Have guy friends, because they are amazing and they smell good. Seriously, my car still smells orgasmic from them all sitting in it the other night. I know I rant and say a lot of bad things about men in this blog, but if you can't tell, they are my favorite people:)
I am very upset to say that Game of Thrones is now over for a full year. I really don't know what to do with myself anymore or what I will make of my Sunday nights for the next 10 months. I guess I can like knit baby booties for my imaginary future children or recreate the ceiling in the Sistine Chapel in my apartment or something else totally ridiculous.
Sorry that I have not been blogging lately. I have been working like a slave at Old Navy. But that is totally fine because I absolutely love it there and all the people I work with are as cool as glaciers. Other than that I have been out living life and doing blog worthy things so that I have something legit to write about for all you lovely readers who are too loyal and awesome for me to really grasp.
With that said, I am dedicating a few blogs to some friends of mine. Over the past few weeks I have been getting a lot of time in with my friends. This time has been well spent because I was going stark ass crazy out here at this apartment alone. I thought I was doing fine until I started talking to myself. Not just normal out loud talking, but like full blown conversations with myself. Note* if you begin answering the questions you are asking out loud, it is probably time to get around other people.
I don't have a lot of guy friends anymore. Having a few back to back "serious" boyfriends will do that to you. It's like their cologne rubs off on you in a scent of "back the hell up, she is taken" so that everyone just automatically avoids you. Actually, I take that back. When you finally settle down and take the leap into relationship retention pond, all the finest boys come crawling out of the woodwork with an interest in you. All of a sudden, the boy you have been drooling over for weeks now looks like something from the Walking Dead compared to the charming fellow who has taken a liking to you. It is like, wow where was he 24 hours ago before I was with Jo Schmo over here?
I am happy to say that I have been taken in by two of the best boys ever. Hunter and Lew are both from good ole Baker County and have migrated West to attend the evermore prestigious Florida State University. I've known Lew since back in middle school when we weren't quite so keen on each other and Hunter is a more recent face in my life. We have been to a few sporting events together this year, which is always a pleasure. Sporting events with guys are so much better than with girls. I love how angry they get when something seemingly harmless to me happens.
After Cassie left me from her mini vacation out here, I figured out I was having boy withdrawals and thought I would call up my buddies for a dinner night. Lew has been out here for like two years now and has still yet to eat at any of the best hole-in-the-walls Tallahassee has to offer. It is a blasphemous act to not eat at Momo's, Monks, Gordos, Po Boys, and El Jalisco's while you are attending school here. I didn't want Lewyn to be damned to a sad food experience in Tally so I said, let's all go out! As always, I was craving Mexican food so I suggested El's. I also wanted a margarita, which are always 2 for 1 at El's. I felt tequila was necessary to ease my aching heels from working so much. I must say it is quicker than any pain pill on the market and it tastes better. I'm going to stop talking about tequila now because I sound like I need an AA class.
Anyways, I called up Hunter to invite him as well as I missed his bubbly laugh in my life. I told him to bring anyone he wanted, as I was down to be around people for once. His response made my tongue fall out of my mouth. To my pleasant surprise, he said, "I have Wannamaker here." Jeremy Wannamaker to be exact. I'll admit, I've pervertedly made fun of his last name for the past few days now, though I'll never say aloud what they are. Normally, I have no attraction to younger men, I have a taste for the older ones. Seeing as they haven't done me any good lately, my aversion to guys younger than me are waning. My girlfriends and I all have the "who would you go younger for..." conversation and well, I have to admit that he has cropped up in most of these little talks. But not just him or just by me judging, so I know I'm not crazy. We also throw Blaire Hanks, Hunter Hanks, and several others into this debate. I swear moms are feeding their boys something different these days, because they are all better and better looking. This boy is one of the best looking creatures I've ever seen. I think it must be his beard that catches my attention, we all know how much I love a good beard. Needless to say, I was quite happy that he would be joining us for dinner, even though we'd never really spoken to each other. Creeper alert for real. Keep it in your pants Carebear.
I got to Hunter's house all tooted up (Cassie and Aunt Heather's word for dressed to the nines). It was still a night out with the boys, so I didn't try too hard. The fellas had had a few and it made me ready to get the night going. We sat around talking until Lew got through playing with is lab rats up at the school and the conversation made me realize how out of touch with men I really am.
Eventually, I had them all rounded up and we were ready to go get our margaritas and tacos. I got to the restaurant feelings pretty pleased with myself. I was the only girl with three guys, I wondered aloud if I looked as lucky as I felt. I actually said out loud that I must look like a very lucky girl indeed. Mr. Wannamaker gave me a reality check by whispering, "Do you want to get lucky tonight?" I have an automatic slap reflex around men. Anytime they say anything or do anything that is remotely perverted, my hand flies through the air quicker than a rocket built by NASA. So, even though he was kidding around, my hand landed backside first in the middle of his chest with a loud smacking sound. The hostess looked far more shocked than she had when she heard what he said to me in the first place. She gave me a confused look and suddenly I was clear on guys again. I missed being around them and all of their perverted banter.
To make up for it, he pulled out my chair at the table. I rolled my eyes at him to make it clear he wasn't completely forgiven. We somehow managed to make it through dinner with me breaking down what Enchiladas were for Lew and what the mysterious red sauce on them is. We were all having a wonderful time, although I think Hunty had the best. He was so smitten that he got up to sing happy birthday, or I guess I should say Feliz Cumpleanos, to a table of strangers. There was a table of British crumpets sitting next to us and one stared at Hunter as though he was the funniest thing he'd ever seen and asked us how many beers he had drank so far. Enough to get up and bang a tambourine with Roberto, our spicy server. Poor Roberto, Hunter tried to order all of his food and beverages in Spanish and kept asking Roberto how to say cuss words in Spanish. I was too shame.
Lew got caught in the bathroom with two gay men who were arguing in one of the stalls. He said they were bitching and bickering like two women and then started making out all of a sudden. That sir is a sign to zip it up and go before you get invited to join.
As we made it through chips and salsa, Hunter hatched a master plan for the night. We would go back to the house and then go to Cancun's, which is another Mexican place. I never really figured out why Hunter wanted to go there so badly, but he insisted.
I think my favorite thing about the night was how they didn't stunt their conversation because I was present. They didn't hold back when it came to talking about hot girls and other things I didn't care to really hear about, but I was quick to throw out my female opinion here and there on certain girls, especially any of them who the boys were considering relationship wise. Not that it is my place to judge, but I thought they should know. Hunter and Lew acted as though I was a clear line to the cheerleader hook up because Chelsey is my roommate. Sorry gents, I only really talk with the male cheerleaders when they are with Chelsey.
After we stopped back at the house, we were off to Cancun's. This is where boys night out suddenly turned into one big cat fight. The best thing about hanging out with men, is they are men. They don't really care about anything and they aren't a bunch of drama queens like we are. Yes, if you are a girl, you are at some point in the day a drama queen over something. It could be over a girl "stealing" your boyfriend (aka, the boy you like but have never talked to suddenly asked out that bitch from Spanish class that you've never really had a problem with until right now) or it could be over the fact that McDonald's ice cream machine is "out of service" (aka they already broke it down for the night and don't want to have to make you one special). Unfortunately, I found out that every man has a little woman in them.
We arrived for a second round of the drinks that put Mexico on the map. Hunter opted for a cerveza. But not just any cerveza, he got something called THE TOWER. It is as literal as it sounds. THE TOWER is an intimidating serving of beer that is put into a long plastic cylinder like the ones at the gas stations that hold the ridiculously long Slim Jims. The thing is literally almost as tall as I am. It is 120 ounces of beer served with plastic cups for sharing, or not depending how stupid you are.
There was a table of women behind us, who were having what looked like a girls' night. Every single one of them there looked like they were on the prowl for unsuspecting men. Through a mouthful of salsa, one asked in sheer amazement, "What the hell is that?" pointing to the ominous tower of amber liquid. Lew was the only one who heard her at first and replied with a laugh, "I'm not sure, it's probably something I couldn't afford." The girl looked very offended, which was unfathomable as to why to me at the time. We all sat around talking the same talk we had at El's. Hunter's roommate Morgan met with us but we stayed quite for the most part letting the boys have their chat.
And suddenly, they all disappeared! The fellas had all just wandered off leaving us at the table. I wasn't worried about them though, nor did I care. My margarita had me very relaxed and unwilling to start a search party. So I sat there uncaring. Then Lew turned back up and said that Jeremy was gone and that he couldn't find him. I reluctantly got up with the thought of him getting into trouble and how it would spoil the night. I walked outside to see if he had run off to call the mystery person he'd been texting all night but he wasn't there. To my surprise, he was talking to two early 30s black ladies who were very nice and conversational. He was just chilling with them like they were old pals. And that's when Lew found us again and told us to come get Hunter before he got slapped.
This is where I found out why the unfortunate girl looked so put off by what Lewyn said. Hunter was visibly arguing with the woman and looked like he was kind of winning. The girl's friend said that she thought she heard Lew say, "It's probably something YOU couldn't afford." indicating that she was poor, thus offending her. First of all, you have two margarita glasses in front of you along with the chicken wings you are chomping on, you know what you can and cannot afford. Get real girl before you make assumptions. Second, you are like way way older than us, why do you care? Anyways, I heard Hunter call this girl a bitch and my little red flag was up. It was time to get the hell out of Cancun before someone went to jail. I wrapped my arms around his waist and was said something along the lines of, "Alright it's time to go dear," while the girl's friend started waving her finger all Beyonce-like as her anger at his name calling rose. Hunter sloughed me off of him and said he wasn't finished. He's a big dude, I am a smaller girl so I lost that tug-a-war battle. That's when Jeremy stepped in, who's bigger than both of us and made him walk away.
Everything after that was just insane. The boys started arguing because Jeremy wouldn't let Hunter finish the argument that he was "clearly winning" and Jeremy was pissed because he was just saving his friend from a fight with an "ugly, fat chick at the bar." I am probably editing this. I suggested a kumbaya moment or shots or anything to get this to be over. They weren't listening. I couldn't even be heard over all the bickering that was going on in my car. They sounded like a bunch of darn girls. No, I take that back, they sounded far, far worse than any girls I have ever heard fighting.
Wannamaker was mad enough to go all the way home because he refused to stay at Hunter's house, to which Hunter replied good and that he didn't care what he did. They sounded like a couple that was breaking up! Jeremy left and then I started getting mad at Hunter because he shouldn't have let his "best friend" drive home so late at night. We left to get him to come back, but after 60 phone calls and ten messages, we gave up. Jeremy refused to answer him but he texted me to let me know he was home safe. They made up 24 hours later when Hunter, Lew, Chelsey, Jacob and I went to see The Purge.
Moral of the story, every man has a little woman in them and it often comes out when the beer starts a flowing. Take a girl with you on your night out with the boys, so you have a little back up when they start scraping. Also, don't visit two Mexican fiestas in one night, one is obviously enough. Have guy friends, because they are amazing and they smell good. Seriously, my car still smells orgasmic from them all sitting in it the other night. I know I rant and say a lot of bad things about men in this blog, but if you can't tell, they are my favorite people:)
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
A Gentlemen's Game
Hello all from the Loft. Okay seriously, there has got to be an illegal grow operation around here somewhere. Once in a blue moon, it smells like someone is burning an invisible forest of pot somewhere close to where I roost. I was chatting with my Nanny earlier as she let my sweet dog/child Layla outside to come spend the night with me upstairs, when we both joked about standing outside for a few minutes to take a few deep breaths. The smell is so pungently strong that you could probably get high from just chilling on the roof up here for a while. But I have never cared to do that so I am currently not out on the roof, but inside cuddling with Layla.
This is going to be a Cara Code for the gentlemen tonight. I have been debating on writing a post about this for a while and I apologize in advanced for the vulgarity that may spawn from my mind whilst typing this out. I feel as though people can handle it.
CC Rule #3 Let's Not Talk About Sex, Baby
Okay so a while back a friend of mine convinced me to join a website for dating with her. Miss Pansy Pants couldn't go in alone so I reluctantly joined with her. Why not, I thought to myself as I entered all of my information from favorite types of movies to preferred body type. My conscious tried to rationalize with my inner self-loathing Sadi (Sadi is short for sadist. This chick is one cold hearted demon). "You might actually find someone cool on here," she would coax as Sadi just stuck her tongue out and denied any such thing as being possible.
To my surprise, I received quite a few messages. It definitely was a confidence booster. Some of the guys were extremely good looking and then others were just your average Joes. I have a thing for in between hawt and average. The ones who are so extremely blessed in the appearance department know it and are annoying and too narcissistic for me. As I have said before, there cannot be two queens in a relationship with me, and the crown already fits my head so...
Anyways, I like talking to strangers so after being hit up a few times, I started to respond. Huge mistake. The first guy I talked to was obviously very sexually frustrated and kept making bad jokes about him and his hand like he was in a Pink song or something. First off, ew. Do not actually talk about "beating off" or whatever it is called with someone you don't actually freaking know. Nor should you suggest that I am the one who could be your cure all to your sexual cravings. Ugh. I am getting grossed the fuck out just thinking about it now so I'm done here.
The first time you talk to a girl it is definitely not appropriate to bring up sex. Bringing up sex during the first encounter is about as cool as us verbally putting our first name with your last name out loud. When a boy and girl meet for the first time, the guy automatically tries to visualize the gal naked and the girl tests out the names to see if they sound good.Seriously, the next time you meet someone of the opposite sex who you are interested in, catch yourself on what you think of first. And a little light bulb will go off and say, "Damn, that Cara Lady was right!" It's okay to think that shit in your head, but let it come out of your mouth and it's all of a sudden weird.
I talked to another guy who was just your average Joe and he was actually pretty cool until he said, "So why don't we meet up, go out and get to know each other, have sex and then see if we like each other?" I am giving him the benefit of the doubt in hoping that he didn't mean doing this all in the same day, but just for the fact that he mentioned sex was a complete turn off. That's just so demeaning and crude. Is that the natural order of things, yes. Should you say it out loud, no. It freaks us girls out and puts our father's voices in our minds chanting, "they only want one thing." And everyone knows we hate for our parents to be right.
*needless to say, the OKCupid app is no longer on my phone*
If you want to actually get to sex, don't discuss it at first. Trust me, we are trying to guess how big your thing is by looking at your various other body parts (although there is no actual science there) as much as you are trying to figure out if our boobs are push up bra boobs or natural. Girls are probably think about sex more than guys do, but we don't say it out loud in front of the guy we are attempting to entrap for a while. It makes us look easy and sleazy. No man wants to wife that. Just like we don't want to husband someone verbalizes his desires to bend us over the chair at Longhorn's on the first date. Keep the pornos in your head for now. Good things come to boys who wait.
CC Rule #4: You can Have Whatever you Like
The one thing I absolutely cannot stand is when a guy says, "what's in it for me?" when I ask him to do something. SERIOUSLY?! This is not a freaking business deal where people are losing and gaining. I always test guys with this. Sadly, only maybe one has passed this test, although I cannot be sure which bf that was. When I ask you to rub my feet or grab me a Coke from the fridge, just do it for the simple fact that you like to see me happy. If I am happy, you can be certain that I will go out of my way to make you happy. Do not ask a girl what is in it for you when she asks you to do something. That indicates that anytime we want something small, you automatically expect sex. So one foot rub= orgasm now? That is in no way an equal equation. When you just do these nice things for us without breaking out the bartering bats, we take mental note and I promise we will give it back to you ten fold exactly how you are seeing it in those naughty daydreams of yours. Trust me, we will take you on a trip around Pound Town and back in the Fuck Truck if you don't ask. But once you ask... Just don't do it okay?
So, what have we learned here today? Keep your dick in your pants and your thoughts in your head on the first date and for a few that follow. We will most likely let you know when it is okay to be suggestive by our body language and if we start getting closer and more suggestive ourselves. Your plans to get in our pants will be completely foiled if you mention it too early. Do not ask what is in it for me over a small task of sitting through a chick flick. That's your job man, that's what you signed up for when you started dating a GIRL. You have to do girly shit and be up to our girly needs of being pampered. If you can handle being our masseuse for ten minutes after a long day at work, we can most certainly handle being the Anastasia Steel in your Fifty Shades like fantasies.
This is going to be a Cara Code for the gentlemen tonight. I have been debating on writing a post about this for a while and I apologize in advanced for the vulgarity that may spawn from my mind whilst typing this out. I feel as though people can handle it.
CC Rule #3 Let's Not Talk About Sex, Baby
Okay so a while back a friend of mine convinced me to join a website for dating with her. Miss Pansy Pants couldn't go in alone so I reluctantly joined with her. Why not, I thought to myself as I entered all of my information from favorite types of movies to preferred body type. My conscious tried to rationalize with my inner self-loathing Sadi (Sadi is short for sadist. This chick is one cold hearted demon). "You might actually find someone cool on here," she would coax as Sadi just stuck her tongue out and denied any such thing as being possible.
To my surprise, I received quite a few messages. It definitely was a confidence booster. Some of the guys were extremely good looking and then others were just your average Joes. I have a thing for in between hawt and average. The ones who are so extremely blessed in the appearance department know it and are annoying and too narcissistic for me. As I have said before, there cannot be two queens in a relationship with me, and the crown already fits my head so...
Anyways, I like talking to strangers so after being hit up a few times, I started to respond. Huge mistake. The first guy I talked to was obviously very sexually frustrated and kept making bad jokes about him and his hand like he was in a Pink song or something. First off, ew. Do not actually talk about "beating off" or whatever it is called with someone you don't actually freaking know. Nor should you suggest that I am the one who could be your cure all to your sexual cravings. Ugh. I am getting grossed the fuck out just thinking about it now so I'm done here.
The first time you talk to a girl it is definitely not appropriate to bring up sex. Bringing up sex during the first encounter is about as cool as us verbally putting our first name with your last name out loud. When a boy and girl meet for the first time, the guy automatically tries to visualize the gal naked and the girl tests out the names to see if they sound good.Seriously, the next time you meet someone of the opposite sex who you are interested in, catch yourself on what you think of first. And a little light bulb will go off and say, "Damn, that Cara Lady was right!" It's okay to think that shit in your head, but let it come out of your mouth and it's all of a sudden weird.
I talked to another guy who was just your average Joe and he was actually pretty cool until he said, "So why don't we meet up, go out and get to know each other, have sex and then see if we like each other?" I am giving him the benefit of the doubt in hoping that he didn't mean doing this all in the same day, but just for the fact that he mentioned sex was a complete turn off. That's just so demeaning and crude. Is that the natural order of things, yes. Should you say it out loud, no. It freaks us girls out and puts our father's voices in our minds chanting, "they only want one thing." And everyone knows we hate for our parents to be right.
*needless to say, the OKCupid app is no longer on my phone*
If you want to actually get to sex, don't discuss it at first. Trust me, we are trying to guess how big your thing is by looking at your various other body parts (although there is no actual science there) as much as you are trying to figure out if our boobs are push up bra boobs or natural. Girls are probably think about sex more than guys do, but we don't say it out loud in front of the guy we are attempting to entrap for a while. It makes us look easy and sleazy. No man wants to wife that. Just like we don't want to husband someone verbalizes his desires to bend us over the chair at Longhorn's on the first date. Keep the pornos in your head for now. Good things come to boys who wait.
CC Rule #4: You can Have Whatever you Like
The one thing I absolutely cannot stand is when a guy says, "what's in it for me?" when I ask him to do something. SERIOUSLY?! This is not a freaking business deal where people are losing and gaining. I always test guys with this. Sadly, only maybe one has passed this test, although I cannot be sure which bf that was. When I ask you to rub my feet or grab me a Coke from the fridge, just do it for the simple fact that you like to see me happy. If I am happy, you can be certain that I will go out of my way to make you happy. Do not ask a girl what is in it for you when she asks you to do something. That indicates that anytime we want something small, you automatically expect sex. So one foot rub= orgasm now? That is in no way an equal equation. When you just do these nice things for us without breaking out the bartering bats, we take mental note and I promise we will give it back to you ten fold exactly how you are seeing it in those naughty daydreams of yours. Trust me, we will take you on a trip around Pound Town and back in the Fuck Truck if you don't ask. But once you ask... Just don't do it okay?
So, what have we learned here today? Keep your dick in your pants and your thoughts in your head on the first date and for a few that follow. We will most likely let you know when it is okay to be suggestive by our body language and if we start getting closer and more suggestive ourselves. Your plans to get in our pants will be completely foiled if you mention it too early. Do not ask what is in it for me over a small task of sitting through a chick flick. That's your job man, that's what you signed up for when you started dating a GIRL. You have to do girly shit and be up to our girly needs of being pampered. If you can handle being our masseuse for ten minutes after a long day at work, we can most certainly handle being the Anastasia Steel in your Fifty Shades like fantasies.
Monday, May 27, 2013
Unicorns are People, too.
Hello all from the Loft!
I am very happy to have a few days off from Old Navy. Seriously, I feel like I spend more money in there than I make sometimes. I hate working shipment because I can literally see my paycheck go straight out the window on the new merchandise that I want to buy.
Those of you who watch MTV know that there is a new show on called Girl Code. It is absolutely hilarious and bluntly true. Auntie Heather (aka Cassie's aunt who I have no relation to but claim because she is simply awesomeness in human form) always texts me about it and kind of gave me a little light bulb of an idea. I have decided to do a weekly "Girl Code" post from now on. By weekly, I mean probably more than once a week at times and then not at all for a while. We all know I can't keep up with a dedicated time sheet for topics and posts. Is this kind of copy catting from MTV, yes. Do I give two craps, no. Besides, I am putting my own little twist on it. It won't just be girl stuff, although it will be mostly that. WHOOOOOOOW GIRL POWER!!! Just kidding, girls are dumb. But seriously, it will be a combination for all to enjoy. I'll put things in it that just make sense to do/never ever solemnly swear never to do. I am going to call it Cara Code or CC for short. Maybe CCode? I will have to see what my "managers" Kimberly and Destiny think about it.
Today I am going to delve into the mysterious maze of work ethic. Seeing as I have only had two jobs, I am no expert on work etiquette, but I have picked up a thing or two here and there about how to conduct yourself as both a customer and an employee that may make life for the both of you a bit sweeter. Work is that awesome place where you get to meet a lot of interesting characters and get to tend to their even more "interesting" needs, so it is important to keep some things in mind whilst doing your thing on the job.
CC Rule #1: When in the Work Place, be Unisex
No I do not mean to spontaneously grow a penis or a vagina depending on which gender you are. I mean that would be cool for some if that was possible, I suppose. What I mean by be unisex is when approaching a customer/patient/guest/unicorn/ostrich, use terms that are good for both males and females. Seriously, I have called at least three women "sir" this week alone. I'll give myself some slack on one, she had a slight beard. The looks of confusion would instantly turn to eye daggers whenever these ladies realized I was actually speaking to them. I would try to cover myself by suddenly ducking behind a shelf and turning in the direction of the closest man I could find, but they and their female powers knew I was talking to them. The phrase "if looks could kill" seems to fit here perfectly. Being from the South, I automatically flourish my respect by calling people sir or ma'am. But when you call a sir a ma'am or a ma'am a sir, you might as well respectfully shove that respect up your own ass, respectfully. I have found that another Southern term seems to work better. I just brandish the word "y'all" about a lot. Whether I am speaking to five people, one, or as I typically do, no one, I just refer to them as y'all. Y'all have a fantastic weekend! Y'all finding everything okay? Y'all want to hurry the hell up so I can return to folding the toddlers' polo table so it can get destroyed in 2.5 seconds? Seriously, it is just way better to go unisex when approaching someone. If there is a person who has on something that a boy or girl could wear, just avoid the whole murder via death stare by using unisex pronouns. If you don't know what a pronoun is, I will gladly refer you to my high school English teacher Mrs. Norman so she can laugh inappropriately at your lack of smart.
CC Rule #2: Be Nice to People you want Help from
You would think that this is a no duh, but some people still seem to have trouble with this one. When someone at work approaches me with an attitude and a rudeness that would make Bon Qui Qui go all "talk to the hand" mode, I am likely to be less willing to help. You see, I don't get tipped at this job for my paycheck. I still get paid whether or not we have a pleasant encounter. So, if you come up to me all Bitchy Bitch Bailey don't expect much. That adorable little boy shirt that you are looking for in a size 8 but can't seem to find anywhere is most definitely in the back. But let me be very clear, that is where it will stay if you can't be nice. I'm too much of a nice goody good girl to do this too often, but admittedly, I've done it once. But if you approach with care and ask politely to have me find something for you, I will go all Sherlock Holmes to make sure you have that blessed shirt by the time you walk out. Also, there was this day a few weeks ago when this very kind lady stopped me in the middle of an aisle to ask me to point her in the right direction of a certain product. I gladly did and reciprocated her sweetheartedness. Out of nowhere this man approached and walked right up to us and made a parting of the Red Sea motion with his hands and said, "Um, excuuuuse me!" and proceeded to walk in the middle of us. Mind you, this aisle was more of a main walkway and we were off to the side of it. He had a whole whopping other 10 feet or so of walkway to maneuver around us. I made a point to take the tiniest step out of his way as possible so he had to turn sideways to awkwardly slither his way in between the lady and I. I am the queen of awkward, so if you are going to make it awkward for me, expect me to shoot back with an awkward AK47. What an ass.
Be nice to your customers too though, or don't go into customer service. I cannot stand to see a rude person in customer service. If you don't like people, go be a vet or astronaut. If you are like me, I am the first person to get all, "I am going to WRITE A LETTER!" on a ridiculously rude person. I have made complaints before and I have had a complaint made on me at a previous job (I feel as though the difference between sugar free and no sugar added is just a given, but maybe that's just me). Trust me, you go talk to a manager about one of their employees, and they are going to get a very stern talking to and hateful stares from their boss for the rest of the day.
In sum, be nice to your ma'ams and sirs and be sure you are calling the ma'ams ma'am and the sirs sirs. If you aren't sure if they have a p or a v, stick to the y and use y'all and you. Customers, be kind to the people you are asking for assistance from. Don't bite the hand that feeds you, or the one that could possibly snag that last pair of black skinny jeans for you from an unknown hiding place before someone else does. Employees be kind to your unicorns/guests/customers so you don't get the parental-ish talk and disappointed stare down from your boss. Besides, it is bad for your health to be unnaturally asshole-ish, so just be nice:)
I am very happy to have a few days off from Old Navy. Seriously, I feel like I spend more money in there than I make sometimes. I hate working shipment because I can literally see my paycheck go straight out the window on the new merchandise that I want to buy.
Those of you who watch MTV know that there is a new show on called Girl Code. It is absolutely hilarious and bluntly true. Auntie Heather (aka Cassie's aunt who I have no relation to but claim because she is simply awesomeness in human form) always texts me about it and kind of gave me a little light bulb of an idea. I have decided to do a weekly "Girl Code" post from now on. By weekly, I mean probably more than once a week at times and then not at all for a while. We all know I can't keep up with a dedicated time sheet for topics and posts. Is this kind of copy catting from MTV, yes. Do I give two craps, no. Besides, I am putting my own little twist on it. It won't just be girl stuff, although it will be mostly that. WHOOOOOOOW GIRL POWER!!! Just kidding, girls are dumb. But seriously, it will be a combination for all to enjoy. I'll put things in it that just make sense to do/never ever solemnly swear never to do. I am going to call it Cara Code or CC for short. Maybe CCode? I will have to see what my "managers" Kimberly and Destiny think about it.
Today I am going to delve into the mysterious maze of work ethic. Seeing as I have only had two jobs, I am no expert on work etiquette, but I have picked up a thing or two here and there about how to conduct yourself as both a customer and an employee that may make life for the both of you a bit sweeter. Work is that awesome place where you get to meet a lot of interesting characters and get to tend to their even more "interesting" needs, so it is important to keep some things in mind whilst doing your thing on the job.
CC Rule #1: When in the Work Place, be Unisex
No I do not mean to spontaneously grow a penis or a vagina depending on which gender you are. I mean that would be cool for some if that was possible, I suppose. What I mean by be unisex is when approaching a customer/patient/guest/unicorn/ostrich, use terms that are good for both males and females. Seriously, I have called at least three women "sir" this week alone. I'll give myself some slack on one, she had a slight beard. The looks of confusion would instantly turn to eye daggers whenever these ladies realized I was actually speaking to them. I would try to cover myself by suddenly ducking behind a shelf and turning in the direction of the closest man I could find, but they and their female powers knew I was talking to them. The phrase "if looks could kill" seems to fit here perfectly. Being from the South, I automatically flourish my respect by calling people sir or ma'am. But when you call a sir a ma'am or a ma'am a sir, you might as well respectfully shove that respect up your own ass, respectfully. I have found that another Southern term seems to work better. I just brandish the word "y'all" about a lot. Whether I am speaking to five people, one, or as I typically do, no one, I just refer to them as y'all. Y'all have a fantastic weekend! Y'all finding everything okay? Y'all want to hurry the hell up so I can return to folding the toddlers' polo table so it can get destroyed in 2.5 seconds? Seriously, it is just way better to go unisex when approaching someone. If there is a person who has on something that a boy or girl could wear, just avoid the whole murder via death stare by using unisex pronouns. If you don't know what a pronoun is, I will gladly refer you to my high school English teacher Mrs. Norman so she can laugh inappropriately at your lack of smart.
CC Rule #2: Be Nice to People you want Help from
You would think that this is a no duh, but some people still seem to have trouble with this one. When someone at work approaches me with an attitude and a rudeness that would make Bon Qui Qui go all "talk to the hand" mode, I am likely to be less willing to help. You see, I don't get tipped at this job for my paycheck. I still get paid whether or not we have a pleasant encounter. So, if you come up to me all Bitchy Bitch Bailey don't expect much. That adorable little boy shirt that you are looking for in a size 8 but can't seem to find anywhere is most definitely in the back. But let me be very clear, that is where it will stay if you can't be nice. I'm too much of a nice goody good girl to do this too often, but admittedly, I've done it once. But if you approach with care and ask politely to have me find something for you, I will go all Sherlock Holmes to make sure you have that blessed shirt by the time you walk out. Also, there was this day a few weeks ago when this very kind lady stopped me in the middle of an aisle to ask me to point her in the right direction of a certain product. I gladly did and reciprocated her sweetheartedness. Out of nowhere this man approached and walked right up to us and made a parting of the Red Sea motion with his hands and said, "Um, excuuuuse me!" and proceeded to walk in the middle of us. Mind you, this aisle was more of a main walkway and we were off to the side of it. He had a whole whopping other 10 feet or so of walkway to maneuver around us. I made a point to take the tiniest step out of his way as possible so he had to turn sideways to awkwardly slither his way in between the lady and I. I am the queen of awkward, so if you are going to make it awkward for me, expect me to shoot back with an awkward AK47. What an ass.
Be nice to your customers too though, or don't go into customer service. I cannot stand to see a rude person in customer service. If you don't like people, go be a vet or astronaut. If you are like me, I am the first person to get all, "I am going to WRITE A LETTER!" on a ridiculously rude person. I have made complaints before and I have had a complaint made on me at a previous job (I feel as though the difference between sugar free and no sugar added is just a given, but maybe that's just me). Trust me, you go talk to a manager about one of their employees, and they are going to get a very stern talking to and hateful stares from their boss for the rest of the day.
In sum, be nice to your ma'ams and sirs and be sure you are calling the ma'ams ma'am and the sirs sirs. If you aren't sure if they have a p or a v, stick to the y and use y'all and you. Customers, be kind to the people you are asking for assistance from. Don't bite the hand that feeds you, or the one that could possibly snag that last pair of black skinny jeans for you from an unknown hiding place before someone else does. Employees be kind to your unicorns/guests/customers so you don't get the parental-ish talk and disappointed stare down from your boss. Besides, it is bad for your health to be unnaturally asshole-ish, so just be nice:)
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
My Missing Puzzle Piece
Hello all,
Since I am stuck here in Tally with me, myself and I, I have had a lot of alone/downtime. When I am not working or doing random things like kayaking or sailing with random boys or saving turtles, I find myself obsessed over a puzzle I have been working on. My love for puzzles dates back to the year 2005 when Florida got hit with all those hurricanes. My hometown was completely drenched in an endless soak. Practically everywhere was flooded, including my dirt road. You see, dirt typically results in mud after it has been wet so there was no way I could leave my house for like a week. I was stuck inside going batshit crazy from not having the option to leave. I suppose I could have swam, and I definitely considered it once or twice because I soon grew bored from not having electricity or any of those 1st world luxuries that I tend to take for granted. The only thing that kept me sane and from not murdering my family (we were all beginning to drive each other nuts) was a collection of jigsaw puzzles I found in a random closet at my house. I did about 5 that week. They were huge too with way too many pieces, but I noticed that I was really good at them. I like finding things and putting them together for some reason. Now if only I could apply this to practical things like matching myself up with someone who is actually good for me.
But I noticed a trend when I do my puzzles. I am currently doing this 1500 piece old timey town scene and it is ridiculous with all the different colors and patterns of stone. I will sit there for minutes on end without finding a single match, which leads to a frustrated huff and the throwing of my hands up in surrender. But then, like a needle in a haystack, I find just one piece that is a match to something I may or may not have been looking to find. It is such a triumphant feeling too. Okay, yes, I AM A NERD!!! But most of y'all already know that from either personal interaction with me or by reading this blog. The trend follows this one little insignificant piece. I'll spend so much time just finding one, but then I will find a whole slew of them. Match after match after match. Everything begins to fall into place with this one little piece of painted cardboard. The more I find, the prettier the view is in front of me as the picture reveals itself.
As I sat there finding piece after piece, I somehow had an epiphany. Life is sort of like a puzzle. Ever notice how everything goes straight to crap all at once? Like everything goes wrong from the first breath you take when you wake up and swallow the air wrong causing you to start choking, all the way through the afternoon when you lose your keys on campus and into the night when you burn your hand taking your bowl of Beefaroni out of the microwave. Those are the days where you just want to crawl back into bed and try again tomorrow. That's what I told my little Kinley this past weekend when she woke up already raising hell about her toe, her being cold and thirsty, and completely un-pleasable all at the same time. I said, "Whooooh child we are gonna put you back to bed and you can start over again tomorrow." She replied with an ugly pout and another protest against the fan.
We all go through a phase of bad luck Chuck where everything seems to go wrong. You are all in a funk and you feel like nothing is showing up right, in a timely manner, or not at all. But then suddenly, something happens that makes your life do a 360. It's like finding that one piece of the puzzle. You find something, do something, meet someone, say something, or whatever and all of a sudden everything starts falling into place again. The sky scene that was once a gaping black hole is now the brightest blue. The hardest part is just finding that one piece.
The whole thing I am trying to say is that life is seriously the biggest, most crazy puzzle to figure out. It takes a minute to find that one piece that will set unveiling the full picture, and you may have to go through a lot of pondering and trying to find it, but that minute is just a minute in comparison to what it will lead you to discover. Don't stop looking for that piece. After all, "Life is a maze, and love is a riddle." You'll never find what you need to complete your own puzzle without opening your mind and your heart. Don't stop looking for that diamond in the rough. It is out there, I promise. And then everything, when you least expect it, will suddenly make sense. The picture will be clear and you will understand why everything happened like it did.
*Here's to finding that piece.*
Since I am stuck here in Tally with me, myself and I, I have had a lot of alone/downtime. When I am not working or doing random things like kayaking or sailing with random boys or saving turtles, I find myself obsessed over a puzzle I have been working on. My love for puzzles dates back to the year 2005 when Florida got hit with all those hurricanes. My hometown was completely drenched in an endless soak. Practically everywhere was flooded, including my dirt road. You see, dirt typically results in mud after it has been wet so there was no way I could leave my house for like a week. I was stuck inside going batshit crazy from not having the option to leave. I suppose I could have swam, and I definitely considered it once or twice because I soon grew bored from not having electricity or any of those 1st world luxuries that I tend to take for granted. The only thing that kept me sane and from not murdering my family (we were all beginning to drive each other nuts) was a collection of jigsaw puzzles I found in a random closet at my house. I did about 5 that week. They were huge too with way too many pieces, but I noticed that I was really good at them. I like finding things and putting them together for some reason. Now if only I could apply this to practical things like matching myself up with someone who is actually good for me.
But I noticed a trend when I do my puzzles. I am currently doing this 1500 piece old timey town scene and it is ridiculous with all the different colors and patterns of stone. I will sit there for minutes on end without finding a single match, which leads to a frustrated huff and the throwing of my hands up in surrender. But then, like a needle in a haystack, I find just one piece that is a match to something I may or may not have been looking to find. It is such a triumphant feeling too. Okay, yes, I AM A NERD!!! But most of y'all already know that from either personal interaction with me or by reading this blog. The trend follows this one little insignificant piece. I'll spend so much time just finding one, but then I will find a whole slew of them. Match after match after match. Everything begins to fall into place with this one little piece of painted cardboard. The more I find, the prettier the view is in front of me as the picture reveals itself.
As I sat there finding piece after piece, I somehow had an epiphany. Life is sort of like a puzzle. Ever notice how everything goes straight to crap all at once? Like everything goes wrong from the first breath you take when you wake up and swallow the air wrong causing you to start choking, all the way through the afternoon when you lose your keys on campus and into the night when you burn your hand taking your bowl of Beefaroni out of the microwave. Those are the days where you just want to crawl back into bed and try again tomorrow. That's what I told my little Kinley this past weekend when she woke up already raising hell about her toe, her being cold and thirsty, and completely un-pleasable all at the same time. I said, "Whooooh child we are gonna put you back to bed and you can start over again tomorrow." She replied with an ugly pout and another protest against the fan.
We all go through a phase of bad luck Chuck where everything seems to go wrong. You are all in a funk and you feel like nothing is showing up right, in a timely manner, or not at all. But then suddenly, something happens that makes your life do a 360. It's like finding that one piece of the puzzle. You find something, do something, meet someone, say something, or whatever and all of a sudden everything starts falling into place again. The sky scene that was once a gaping black hole is now the brightest blue. The hardest part is just finding that one piece.
The whole thing I am trying to say is that life is seriously the biggest, most crazy puzzle to figure out. It takes a minute to find that one piece that will set unveiling the full picture, and you may have to go through a lot of pondering and trying to find it, but that minute is just a minute in comparison to what it will lead you to discover. Don't stop looking for that piece. After all, "Life is a maze, and love is a riddle." You'll never find what you need to complete your own puzzle without opening your mind and your heart. Don't stop looking for that diamond in the rough. It is out there, I promise. And then everything, when you least expect it, will suddenly make sense. The picture will be clear and you will understand why everything happened like it did.
*Here's to finding that piece.*
Friday, May 17, 2013
When Nature Calls, Make REZervations
Hello all,
Summer has officially begun here in Tallahassee and it has been absolutely beautiful here for the past week or so. Mother Nature has been especially kind to provide a slight breeze to make the accelerating heat more comfortable. The weather was basically calling me to come outside, so I did yesterday.
Well, I sort of got out in it a few days ago when I rescued a monstrous ancient looking turtle from what was sure to be certain death. The poor thing was trying vainly to get back to the nasty little retention pond that he called home sweet home. I say vainly because there was a chain link fence that separated him from his watery paradise. I was just pulling up in my apartment complex on my way home from work when I saw this amphibious cutie trying to claw his way through the mesh wiring. I couldn't stand to see him struggle. He kind of looked like I did trying to put on skinny jeans that were far too tight so I felt his pain. I stopped the car and assessed the situation. I mean, this was one big ass dinosaur looking turtle. I couldn't just leave him there so I decided to do what I am good at; I talked to him. Yep, literally had a conversation with him whilst trying to calm him down and sneak up on him at the same time. I kept waiting for someone to drive by and hear me talking to it. I had a vision in my head that this person would park quietly close by, call 911 and then two very large men (one possibly a woman who could be named Olga) would approach me with a large sedative and net. I mean, I did look pretty darn crazy. If I saw someone going full Steve Irwin on a turtle I would definitely think they had a screw or two loose. When I finally mustered up the courage to bend down and pick him up, I spied a raccoon mocking me behind the pale yellow cement wall of that separated us from the pond and wooded area. I tried to snap a picture of him, but he wasn't feeling up to it I suppose because he retreated back into the darkness. I have a feeling he continued to watch me. Needless to say, my apartment complex really is a freaking zoo. I eventually scooped up the at least 15 pound turtlesaur and hoisted him over the fence. He snapped into his shell but as soon as he hit the water, he popped out and swam for his life into the dirty water as if it were made of gold or something. When nature has a problem, I guess I am the chick for it.
My natural encounters did not stop with my new found amphibian friend. I woke up Monday morning and had a sudden itch to go kayaking. By the way, if you spell kayak backwards, it is still kayak. I know, you are mind blown. You're welcome. If you haven't yet caught on to how random I am by now, the fact that I woke up wanting to kayak should really put it into perspective for you now. Who just wakes up and thinks, "Hmm, it's a lovely day for some kayaking." This girl right here does.
Where does one go kayaking in Tallahassee? Well, FSU is so cool that they have their own lake. Not really their own. It is Lake Bradford, but we Seminole savages took it over some time ago and established The Rez. It is seriously the most beautiful place I have yet to come by in Tallahassee. For all my Tally cool cats, get over there before you graduate. Seriously, go and do something fun. Everything there is free for students, from rock climbing to kayaking to paddle boarding. And then for people who aren't students, the rates are like dirt cheap.
I approached the rental store to procure a kayak for myself. I thought about how awkward that would be to ask for just one kayak. Like if that doesn't spell out loner loser then I don't know what does. But whatever, I like doing random crap like kayaking by myself. I can't really picture Cassie kayaking either, she's probably allergic to the lake water or something, so by myself it was.
I walked up to the desk where I was met by a very sweet girl. I asked her if I could rent a kayak. She replied, "Just one?" Ugh, and I thought I had almost gotten away with it. I wanted to be like, "Bitch do you see Casper the friendly ghost here with me? No? Okay, then just one." Instead I smiled and said, "Yep, it's just me today." I am about as confrontational and hateful as a butterfly.
My vessel was waiting for me on the shore. Mind you, I haven't kayaked in about 6 years so I was a little lost around the slender plastic boat. It was turned backwards and I thought how fun it was going to be trying to get it to turn around. After awkwardly straddling the kayak, I got it turned around and I was off!
Seriously, it was the most relaxed and at ease I have felt in a very long time. The water and sun have always had that effect on me though. It's like all my worries and cares were lost in the choppy waters as I glided along the black surface. Ha, who am I kidding? I probably looked like a baby seal trying to swim for the first time the way I was smacking my paddle down into the water. At least for the first few minutes anyways, but then I started to get the hang of it. But for the first time in a long time, I wasn't thinking about anything. It was nice, to not be concerned with all the crap I am normally concerned or irritated with. I must have looked like an idiot with the goofy grin I had plastered to my face, but I was genuinely having fun all by myself.
I was determined to make it all the way around the lake that day. The wind was trying to kill that dream but I wouldn't let it. I was about half way around the lake when something out of the corner of my eye caught my attention. It was a big red and white sail to a tiny little sail boat that wasn't much bigger than my kayak. It was still off in the distance but I could tell that the boat was really flying with the wind that powered its sail. I just stared in awe as I daydreamed about how much fun that would be. I guess I stared a while longer than I meant to because the captain of this vessel finally waved to me. This captain was a boy. Freaking great I thought, he probably things I am some weirdo now, thinking I was staring at him. He shouted a pleasant hello. Hmm, not really someone who sounded disturbed after being stared at by some lunatic. I decided to respond with a cheerful greeting of my own. He leaned back as the wind was really pulling on his sail and said, "What a wonderful day to spend the first day of summer classes huh?" I chuckled and replied how very marvelous it was indeed. And that was the end of our little conversation.... At least for then.
After making my way a little bit further close to the shore, this mystery boy pulled up in his sailboat again. Hmm, maybe he was lost. No dummy it's a huge circular body of water that you can see clear across, one doesn't need directions to navigate this, I thought to myself. What ever did he want?
He got very close to my kayak and asked me, "What are you doing out here all by yourself?"
I'm lame, all my friends have gone away for the summer, my boyfriend isn't here because he doesn't exist, all came to mind. Instead I said, "Oh, all my roommates have left for the summer and I just needed some alone time."
This boy was in a safari hat sort of like the one Nigel Thornberry would wear and had on a blue button down fishing shirt. He seemed friendly enough. Although he didn't look exactly like a prince charming, he was still had a cute look about him. Why was he alone then?
Naturally I blurted out what I was thinking, "Why are you all by yourself today then?" He said it was something to do with everyone he knew had class and because he had some free time before his first class of the day which would be at five. I thought we were making small talk, which was nice because it is the most contact I have had with a boy since New Years, and suddenly he did something I couldn't have imagined in my wildest dream:
"Have you ever been sailing?" He asked.
I shook my head and gave him a no that sounded sadder than it should have. I had been wanting to sail though, I love boats. Of all kinds. Seriously, if I could live on one I would. I plan to someday for some time.
After he assessed my answer for a split second he said, "Would you like to join me?"
I am pretty sure my mouth actually did fall open, but in my mind my jaw hit the floor all cartoon like. Did a boy on a boat just ask me, a random stranger girl to go sailing with him?
Not wanting to sound like I was too eager to jump in his sailboat I said, "Well, I do have to be out of here by 4 because I work at six. I can't waltz into work smelling like nasty lake water." Playing hard to get: nailed it.
He didn't seemed phased by my attempts to say no, which was pleasant because that meant he actually wanted to hang out with me. He looked down at his outdoorsy looking watch and said, "Ah c'mon, it's not even three yet!" I took two seconds to deliberate something I had already decided on when he first asked.
"I'd love to join you." I said smiling. He told me he would meet me at the shore. And away he went sailing smoothly over the water, leaving me floundering like a fool in my desperate attempts to sort of keep up with him. I mean I think a sailboat against a kayak on a windy day is a clear winner, but I didn't want to keep him waiting, so I paddles my little arms off trying to meet him in ample time.
He actually walked to meet me and led me over to the sailboat. We struck up a conversation about something that must have had to do with our names because I remember saying mine. I don't remember much of it though, I was still in a daze that this was happening. He told me where to sit and how the biggest thing about sailing was to duck and dodge the big swinging metal pole that would suddenly swing across the boat when the air shifted. I gulped as I envisioned myself getting my two front teeth knocked out as this boy witnessed and had to drag me out of the water. It was bound to happen, I thought as he pushed us out into the lapping water.
His name was Max. Max had me help him do sailboaty type things, like push this rudder looking thing into the water as we got into deeper water. We chatted about school and friends and pretty much anything when the wind suddenly picked up hard and took us away. Oh my, we were really flying! I started giggling uncontrollably as I was suddenly filled with excitment. Like I said, I love boats, but I love them even more when they are going fast.
We continued to talk and dodge the murderous looking metal pole of possible death for about an hour. He even taught me how to "sail" by letting me control the rope. You have to hold it in close to your body to make you go fast, and then when the boat starts to tip, you let it out a little before it tips too far. I was so giddy that I kept laughing like a small child. He seemed to find it funny that I found it so awesome.
Needless to say, it was one of the best days I have had in a long long time. I love meeting strangers and making friends so it was nice. By the way, he asked for the digits, and got them. I figured anyone who has the balls to ask a stranger girl in a kayak to come sailing with him deserves them. He is free on Mondays until his class, and we are probably going again. Who knows, we shall see.
I mean, if that is the kind of luck I was going to have, The Rez may be my new hang out. I will be out there every damn day of the week if that is the kind of action in brings. By the end of the summer, I'll be a world class kayaker from spending all my time out there. And possibly a sailor. I have decided to take the sailing clinic and join FSU's most prestigious sailing club. More tales of mermaids and Atlantis to come!
Summer has officially begun here in Tallahassee and it has been absolutely beautiful here for the past week or so. Mother Nature has been especially kind to provide a slight breeze to make the accelerating heat more comfortable. The weather was basically calling me to come outside, so I did yesterday.
Well, I sort of got out in it a few days ago when I rescued a monstrous ancient looking turtle from what was sure to be certain death. The poor thing was trying vainly to get back to the nasty little retention pond that he called home sweet home. I say vainly because there was a chain link fence that separated him from his watery paradise. I was just pulling up in my apartment complex on my way home from work when I saw this amphibious cutie trying to claw his way through the mesh wiring. I couldn't stand to see him struggle. He kind of looked like I did trying to put on skinny jeans that were far too tight so I felt his pain. I stopped the car and assessed the situation. I mean, this was one big ass dinosaur looking turtle. I couldn't just leave him there so I decided to do what I am good at; I talked to him. Yep, literally had a conversation with him whilst trying to calm him down and sneak up on him at the same time. I kept waiting for someone to drive by and hear me talking to it. I had a vision in my head that this person would park quietly close by, call 911 and then two very large men (one possibly a woman who could be named Olga) would approach me with a large sedative and net. I mean, I did look pretty darn crazy. If I saw someone going full Steve Irwin on a turtle I would definitely think they had a screw or two loose. When I finally mustered up the courage to bend down and pick him up, I spied a raccoon mocking me behind the pale yellow cement wall of that separated us from the pond and wooded area. I tried to snap a picture of him, but he wasn't feeling up to it I suppose because he retreated back into the darkness. I have a feeling he continued to watch me. Needless to say, my apartment complex really is a freaking zoo. I eventually scooped up the at least 15 pound turtlesaur and hoisted him over the fence. He snapped into his shell but as soon as he hit the water, he popped out and swam for his life into the dirty water as if it were made of gold or something. When nature has a problem, I guess I am the chick for it.
My natural encounters did not stop with my new found amphibian friend. I woke up Monday morning and had a sudden itch to go kayaking. By the way, if you spell kayak backwards, it is still kayak. I know, you are mind blown. You're welcome. If you haven't yet caught on to how random I am by now, the fact that I woke up wanting to kayak should really put it into perspective for you now. Who just wakes up and thinks, "Hmm, it's a lovely day for some kayaking." This girl right here does.
Where does one go kayaking in Tallahassee? Well, FSU is so cool that they have their own lake. Not really their own. It is Lake Bradford, but we Seminole savages took it over some time ago and established The Rez. It is seriously the most beautiful place I have yet to come by in Tallahassee. For all my Tally cool cats, get over there before you graduate. Seriously, go and do something fun. Everything there is free for students, from rock climbing to kayaking to paddle boarding. And then for people who aren't students, the rates are like dirt cheap.
I approached the rental store to procure a kayak for myself. I thought about how awkward that would be to ask for just one kayak. Like if that doesn't spell out loner loser then I don't know what does. But whatever, I like doing random crap like kayaking by myself. I can't really picture Cassie kayaking either, she's probably allergic to the lake water or something, so by myself it was.
I walked up to the desk where I was met by a very sweet girl. I asked her if I could rent a kayak. She replied, "Just one?" Ugh, and I thought I had almost gotten away with it. I wanted to be like, "Bitch do you see Casper the friendly ghost here with me? No? Okay, then just one." Instead I smiled and said, "Yep, it's just me today." I am about as confrontational and hateful as a butterfly.
My vessel was waiting for me on the shore. Mind you, I haven't kayaked in about 6 years so I was a little lost around the slender plastic boat. It was turned backwards and I thought how fun it was going to be trying to get it to turn around. After awkwardly straddling the kayak, I got it turned around and I was off!
Seriously, it was the most relaxed and at ease I have felt in a very long time. The water and sun have always had that effect on me though. It's like all my worries and cares were lost in the choppy waters as I glided along the black surface. Ha, who am I kidding? I probably looked like a baby seal trying to swim for the first time the way I was smacking my paddle down into the water. At least for the first few minutes anyways, but then I started to get the hang of it. But for the first time in a long time, I wasn't thinking about anything. It was nice, to not be concerned with all the crap I am normally concerned or irritated with. I must have looked like an idiot with the goofy grin I had plastered to my face, but I was genuinely having fun all by myself.
I was determined to make it all the way around the lake that day. The wind was trying to kill that dream but I wouldn't let it. I was about half way around the lake when something out of the corner of my eye caught my attention. It was a big red and white sail to a tiny little sail boat that wasn't much bigger than my kayak. It was still off in the distance but I could tell that the boat was really flying with the wind that powered its sail. I just stared in awe as I daydreamed about how much fun that would be. I guess I stared a while longer than I meant to because the captain of this vessel finally waved to me. This captain was a boy. Freaking great I thought, he probably things I am some weirdo now, thinking I was staring at him. He shouted a pleasant hello. Hmm, not really someone who sounded disturbed after being stared at by some lunatic. I decided to respond with a cheerful greeting of my own. He leaned back as the wind was really pulling on his sail and said, "What a wonderful day to spend the first day of summer classes huh?" I chuckled and replied how very marvelous it was indeed. And that was the end of our little conversation.... At least for then.
After making my way a little bit further close to the shore, this mystery boy pulled up in his sailboat again. Hmm, maybe he was lost. No dummy it's a huge circular body of water that you can see clear across, one doesn't need directions to navigate this, I thought to myself. What ever did he want?
He got very close to my kayak and asked me, "What are you doing out here all by yourself?"
I'm lame, all my friends have gone away for the summer, my boyfriend isn't here because he doesn't exist, all came to mind. Instead I said, "Oh, all my roommates have left for the summer and I just needed some alone time."
This boy was in a safari hat sort of like the one Nigel Thornberry would wear and had on a blue button down fishing shirt. He seemed friendly enough. Although he didn't look exactly like a prince charming, he was still had a cute look about him. Why was he alone then?
Naturally I blurted out what I was thinking, "Why are you all by yourself today then?" He said it was something to do with everyone he knew had class and because he had some free time before his first class of the day which would be at five. I thought we were making small talk, which was nice because it is the most contact I have had with a boy since New Years, and suddenly he did something I couldn't have imagined in my wildest dream:
"Have you ever been sailing?" He asked.
I shook my head and gave him a no that sounded sadder than it should have. I had been wanting to sail though, I love boats. Of all kinds. Seriously, if I could live on one I would. I plan to someday for some time.
After he assessed my answer for a split second he said, "Would you like to join me?"
I am pretty sure my mouth actually did fall open, but in my mind my jaw hit the floor all cartoon like. Did a boy on a boat just ask me, a random stranger girl to go sailing with him?
Not wanting to sound like I was too eager to jump in his sailboat I said, "Well, I do have to be out of here by 4 because I work at six. I can't waltz into work smelling like nasty lake water." Playing hard to get: nailed it.
He didn't seemed phased by my attempts to say no, which was pleasant because that meant he actually wanted to hang out with me. He looked down at his outdoorsy looking watch and said, "Ah c'mon, it's not even three yet!" I took two seconds to deliberate something I had already decided on when he first asked.
"I'd love to join you." I said smiling. He told me he would meet me at the shore. And away he went sailing smoothly over the water, leaving me floundering like a fool in my desperate attempts to sort of keep up with him. I mean I think a sailboat against a kayak on a windy day is a clear winner, but I didn't want to keep him waiting, so I paddles my little arms off trying to meet him in ample time.
He actually walked to meet me and led me over to the sailboat. We struck up a conversation about something that must have had to do with our names because I remember saying mine. I don't remember much of it though, I was still in a daze that this was happening. He told me where to sit and how the biggest thing about sailing was to duck and dodge the big swinging metal pole that would suddenly swing across the boat when the air shifted. I gulped as I envisioned myself getting my two front teeth knocked out as this boy witnessed and had to drag me out of the water. It was bound to happen, I thought as he pushed us out into the lapping water.
His name was Max. Max had me help him do sailboaty type things, like push this rudder looking thing into the water as we got into deeper water. We chatted about school and friends and pretty much anything when the wind suddenly picked up hard and took us away. Oh my, we were really flying! I started giggling uncontrollably as I was suddenly filled with excitment. Like I said, I love boats, but I love them even more when they are going fast.
We continued to talk and dodge the murderous looking metal pole of possible death for about an hour. He even taught me how to "sail" by letting me control the rope. You have to hold it in close to your body to make you go fast, and then when the boat starts to tip, you let it out a little before it tips too far. I was so giddy that I kept laughing like a small child. He seemed to find it funny that I found it so awesome.
Needless to say, it was one of the best days I have had in a long long time. I love meeting strangers and making friends so it was nice. By the way, he asked for the digits, and got them. I figured anyone who has the balls to ask a stranger girl in a kayak to come sailing with him deserves them. He is free on Mondays until his class, and we are probably going again. Who knows, we shall see.
I mean, if that is the kind of luck I was going to have, The Rez may be my new hang out. I will be out there every damn day of the week if that is the kind of action in brings. By the end of the summer, I'll be a world class kayaker from spending all my time out there. And possibly a sailor. I have decided to take the sailing clinic and join FSU's most prestigious sailing club. More tales of mermaids and Atlantis to come!
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