A Ray of Sunshine

I think what scares me most about death is that it is uncontrollable. It is this tidal wave of black that we can't predict coming; who it will take, what day it will happen, where you will be standing whenever it washes over you. Death is unpredictable. It is an invisible, mobile force that sneaks around kicking people's legs out from under them, making them fall back into the Earth in which we were created from.

Is it just me or does it always seem to be the good ones? The beautiful ones? The young ones? The sweet ones who deserved so much more? It always seems to be the ones who you would never expect. When Brooke died, I remember thinking of names of people from my class who I could have pictured dying before I saw her dying. Not because they were bad people and "deserved" to die, but maybe because they jumped off of roofs into pools for fun, or drove like a maniac. I drove like a maniac. I could have seen myself going before Brooke did. It was a sadistic thought. She was a beautiful bride with a full bodied laugh. She was young and timeless. But there she was on that December day, a girl I could not recognize.

I remember gathering strength as we moved through the line at the viewing to look upon her beauty one more time. I remember taking steadying breaths because I was going to make myself look at her. It would bring me closure, or whatever it was that I needed to feel. It came my time to pass her by. I gulped, looking down to see a face. It was her face, but then it was not. Something was missing. It was the light.

The thing that really makes a person, is the light that lives inside their eyes. Having them open you can see this light, when they laugh, when they cry, when they look at someone who they love, when they talk about something they are passionate about, it really shines. Even when the eyes are closed at night, you can see the light dancing beneath the eyelids. Dreams are the light of the eyes playing back events or making up new ones, playing them on the back of your eyelids like a projector would on a screen. Your eyelashes flutter and you look so young when you sleep because of this light. It is trying to escape and shine for the world on the things you care about, the things you love.

Everyone tells you the horror stories of when you grow up, there is always one person from your graduating class. One person who was too good, too unsuspected of being taken early gets snatched up by death. Brooke was ours, Ray is my brother's class. I knew him. He played ball and I cheered, he weight lifted and I, well I more so watched and flirted with boys and just wanted to be there than I actually participated. His size would have made him intimidating, except he had this youthful face with a button nose. The light in his eyes shown because he was in his home, the gym, the field. He was a gentle giant, lumbering around making everyone with a good sense of people his friend.

Ray messaged me one night, after I had graduated from high school and had been gone for a while. It was Christmas a few years ago.I was home for the holiday and was at my mom's. I rarely stay the night at my mom's house, but I always stay a few days around Christmas time. Mom was sleeping and I was left to my own feelings and crazy. I was feeling really down about some boy, the boy. This boy was mean and I couldn't understand what I had done to suddenly make his demons appear, because he wasn't always like that. Or maybe he was and he was just trying to change for me.

I was on the verge of tears when Ray said he was coming over. I didn't need to tell him I was miserable, that I was in love with someone who didn't love me back anymore. All of the dramatics were unnecessary to pull him from his home miles and miles away, he just came to hang out and keep me company. Ray asked me what I wanted to do, towering over me. I could have said anything, but my mind settled on what I was going to do that night with or without a large man sitting on my couch. I wanted to watch Pitch Perfect I told him. I expected some groan of resistance, but none came. We watched the movie and eventually I laid myself across him in his arms. He stroked my hair and laughed with me at the movie. He swore he liked it, and I believed him. Well, I believed he liked most of it.

We kept in touch. He always reached out to me first. Or well, he did most of the time. A few weeks ago he was at his aunt's house housesitting. He texted me to see what I was up to. I sent a few halfhearted replies, not really interested in talking to anyone that night. Now he is gone, and there are people who knew him better than I did, people who loved him who are all going crazy. I wish now that I had talked to him and actually listened. Like maybe if I did these events wouldn't have unfurled so mercilessly. I remind myself that it isn't up to us though, who He takes. Nothing you do can stop it. You could jump on a grenade for someone and if He chooses for the other person to go, that person is going and you are living with a new hole. Ray was a sweet, good, young, beautiful boy making the "only the good die young" saying horrifically true. I am so sorry you are gone. I know, I have to believe, you are somewhere magnificent. They call it Heaven and I know you are there.


Find a green field and paint some white stripes on it. Turn it into a field. Find the greats in sports from generations past and start up a game. When the thunder crashes in the sky, we will know it is you thundering around and tackling anything that stands in your way.

Class of 2011, I know this has been a kick to the gut and a shot through the heart. He was the one you never ever would have guessed, never ever would have even crossed your mind, but he is. For some of you, it is your first loss, your first tragedy.Brooke was mine. I am so sorry he was taken from you. From all of us. In times of great sadness, you find friends you forgot you had, friend who you haven't seen or thought about in years. Lean on them. When Brooke was taken from us, I kept thinking this is a class reunion under miserable circumstances with nobody spiking the punch. It was horrible that we all had to be there together, but we were there. Together. Brooke brought friends back and mended relationships that had fizzled out or gone out with a dramatic bang. That night after the viewing we all went to Woody's, the only restaurant in town. They had to pull four or five huge tables together to accommodate all of the suddenly reunited friends. There were people sitting beside me and in front of me who I never would have imagined sharing a meal with since graduation, but there we all were. Find these people, find your friends, reconnect and live together for someone who no longer can. Love each other and remember the times when you were all gathered in the courtyard or around a lunch table spitting gossip, laughing at each other. Remember what it is like to be 16 or 17 and know that you can be there in that time forever young, because these people make your heart ageless. Remember Ray together. Pull each other from the depths of this black wave and hold on until the sun breaks back through. It will break back through. And each cloud that the sun shines through at sunset, each color, you will know it is the work of angels, and you will know that Ray is one of them.