Hello all from my Teen Mom Monday night ritual,
I am currently dying from laughter as I notice things like the sign in the DNA testing center window that says, "Trust, but Verify." Classic. Congratulations Chelsea on finally passing your GED exam after two seasons. You go girl.
My other Monday tradition is going to the grocery store to purchase food for the week. Mondays are by far the worst day to attempt to go shopping. All the starving college kids are scouring the aisles for the BOGO deals and all the adults are there picking up their medications, making the pharmacy line ridiculous.
Last Monday, I decided to buy a starfruit to try it. There were some guys standing around debating about getting one. They sounded like they knew what they were talking about so I decided to ask them how to eat it. I have never had a starfruit before so I didn't know if you ate it as is or if there is a special way to prepare it. While deep in conversation, this busty African- American woman came barreling through the small walkway where we were, boobs about to pop out of her sundress. Instead of veering mere inches around us, she demanded very loudly that we do the "'cuse me dance," and then proceeded to push her cart right through the middle of us. I am amazed at how rude people are. The boy and I just stared at each other, stunned.
Tonight was just like any other Monday shopping run, crazy as hell. I was only picking up a few things, which is what I always say. I get in there with a thirty dollar list that somehow grows to a whopping eighty dollar bank breaker. It's like the glowing green Publix sign puts you in a trance that makes you buy stuff that you do not need. Like seriously, who needs three different kinds of goat cheese? Apparently I did.
Since I was only there for more cauliflower and jell-o, I picked up a small basket instead of grabbing a cart. Well, a gallon of milk and a small case of Virgil's cream soda later, my arms felt like they were going to fall off. My basket was now overflowing with things I hadn't intended to buy. I could not help getting the original Ritz Crackers since they were buy one, get one free. Those BOGOs really are a goldmine. They could have baby formula on sale buy one get one and I would probably buy it. Do I need it, no. Is it cool just because its free, yes!
The lactic acid was building in my shoulders from carrying everything and I was about to have to set everything down, when I saw it. Sitting in the middle of the walkway between the pharmacy and beauty products was a deserted cart. There were only two toothbrushes in it and nobody was standing around it. I decided I had better not mess with it because as soon as I put my stuff in, someone was bound to walk up to claim their territory. I made my way around and grabbed the Ritz crackers. When I was on my way back to the walkway, the box was slipping out of my hands. The cart was still there, untouched. It was clearly a sign that it was meant for me.
I walked over and loaded my stuff into it quickly before someone saw me doing it. I had just slipped my basket off of my arm when I heard a deep manly voice.
"Hey man, did you see what I did with my cart?"
Oh, no! My heart sank to my butt. I looked up to see a boy in a tank top asking his friend and looking around bewildered that his cart had suddenly vanished. My instincts were screaming at me to keep walking, just keep your head down and go! GO DUMMY GO! But of course, I did exactly what I should not have done.
"Did your cart happen to have two toothbrushes in it," I said very quietly. I saw his face twist into something unreadable. It was either amazement or he was pissed off.
"Yeah, it did! Did you see it?" the boy asked.
"Well, this is it..." I said looking at anything but his face. I waited. He had that Jersey Shore guietto type look, like he could possibly be on steroids. Like he could snap me over something really stupid, like accidentally on purpose stealing his shopping cart.
Instead of freaking out on me, he laughed and told me I could keep it. When I asked if he was sure he got really close to my face and made an ugly look and said, "What the F?!" I must have looked scared because he laughed, patted me on the back, and said, "Nah girl I am just kidding, you can take it. Have a good night"
I guess the cardinal rule to grocery shopping is this: never never ever take a cart other than from the front of the store. As innocent as it looks, you are being deceived. There is someone using it. You are committing a shopping felony. Do not take the cart!
Monday, February 4, 2013
The Magic
Hello all from my bedroom where I am reverting back to my childhood days,
Yes, I am admittedly watching The Fairly Odd Parents. I used to watch this and Avatar religiously. Recently, I have done an Avatar marathon and watched the whole series. NERD ALERT!!!!!!
I have a friend who is going through some relationship issues. She feels as though the magic is all gone. This one is for the gentlemen today, I encourage all of you to read it diligently and handle this delicate information with care. It could save your relationship with a great girl.
First, women really like attention. We are magnets for it. If you aren't giving her attention, she is going to lose interest or will come to think that there is a problem that may or may not exist. Our minds work like this: if you aren't paying attention to me, you must be paying the toll elsewhere. Meaning, you must be showering some other girl with attention instead of me. There is nothing more annoying than an attention deprived girl, so you shouldn't withhold it from us. If you would rather pull your own teeth out with a rusty pair of pliers rather than be around us, talk to us, or any other means of giving attention to us, it is time to reevaluate the relationship.
Also, women like to be touched. This could range from a sweet kiss on the forehead to a playful swat on the behind. We eat that shiz up like chocolate on Valentine's day. Or any day really, let's be serious. Okay men, here is a subtle reminder, Valentine's day is in 10 mere days. It is rapidly approaching, so get to the store and buy those teddy bears or put the final touches on those homemade cards. Back to the touching, we like it, a lot. It doesn't matter where your hands are as long as they are on some part of our body. We know you men are a bunch of little horn dogs so, again, it works like this: if you aren't touching me, you must be out there getting feely with someone else.
We like surprises, too. Us screaming and begging for you not to surprise us really translates into, "I really want you to send me random things to my workplace or school because I am dying to see a physical sign of your affection. If you don't, you must not care." We really enjoy spontaneity. Even though you think random flowers or a surprise date may seem a little fruity to you, do it anyways! We love that mushy stuff! It doesn't have to be anything crazy, just having our favorite movie set up with a bowl of popcorn ready for us when we come home from a long hard day of being a girl is good enough. Nine times out of ten you will get something in return. These little surprises are like one way tickets to whatever fantasy you have been dreaming about lately. To reiterate this crucial point, surprise us. Keep it interesting.
Take us around your friends. This is extremely important fellas. If we sense that you are keeping us from your friends, we start to think bad thoughts like, "Hmm, what is wrong with me? Do I smell bad?" This leads to us becoming insecure. Let me make this very clear, there is nothing more annoying than an insecure woman. Women are social creatures and need a vast pool of people to talk to and be around. We like to be included in the group of people you obviously love and care about. Also, this is a good chance for you to observe how your friends take your gf. If they don't like her, odds are she is no good for you. You need to put your Nikes on and run in the most opposite direction if they can't stand to be around her for more than an hour at a time.
So, do it for selfish reasons or do it because you really love her. Once that magic is gone, it is hard to get it back. It is a slippery downward slope from a top a very steep hill once a girl begins to feel insecure around you. She will start to see problems with herself and with you that aren't really there, and then before you know it, you are ending something that could be great all because the effort was not put in. Whatever you put in, we are likely to give three times back. It kind of goes along with the saying, give us an inch and we will take it a yard. But in this scenario it is more like, give us a little attention and we will pamper and cater to you like you are a king of the world.
Yes, I am admittedly watching The Fairly Odd Parents. I used to watch this and Avatar religiously. Recently, I have done an Avatar marathon and watched the whole series. NERD ALERT!!!!!!
I have a friend who is going through some relationship issues. She feels as though the magic is all gone. This one is for the gentlemen today, I encourage all of you to read it diligently and handle this delicate information with care. It could save your relationship with a great girl.
First, women really like attention. We are magnets for it. If you aren't giving her attention, she is going to lose interest or will come to think that there is a problem that may or may not exist. Our minds work like this: if you aren't paying attention to me, you must be paying the toll elsewhere. Meaning, you must be showering some other girl with attention instead of me. There is nothing more annoying than an attention deprived girl, so you shouldn't withhold it from us. If you would rather pull your own teeth out with a rusty pair of pliers rather than be around us, talk to us, or any other means of giving attention to us, it is time to reevaluate the relationship.
Also, women like to be touched. This could range from a sweet kiss on the forehead to a playful swat on the behind. We eat that shiz up like chocolate on Valentine's day. Or any day really, let's be serious. Okay men, here is a subtle reminder, Valentine's day is in 10 mere days. It is rapidly approaching, so get to the store and buy those teddy bears or put the final touches on those homemade cards. Back to the touching, we like it, a lot. It doesn't matter where your hands are as long as they are on some part of our body. We know you men are a bunch of little horn dogs so, again, it works like this: if you aren't touching me, you must be out there getting feely with someone else.
We like surprises, too. Us screaming and begging for you not to surprise us really translates into, "I really want you to send me random things to my workplace or school because I am dying to see a physical sign of your affection. If you don't, you must not care." We really enjoy spontaneity. Even though you think random flowers or a surprise date may seem a little fruity to you, do it anyways! We love that mushy stuff! It doesn't have to be anything crazy, just having our favorite movie set up with a bowl of popcorn ready for us when we come home from a long hard day of being a girl is good enough. Nine times out of ten you will get something in return. These little surprises are like one way tickets to whatever fantasy you have been dreaming about lately. To reiterate this crucial point, surprise us. Keep it interesting.
Take us around your friends. This is extremely important fellas. If we sense that you are keeping us from your friends, we start to think bad thoughts like, "Hmm, what is wrong with me? Do I smell bad?" This leads to us becoming insecure. Let me make this very clear, there is nothing more annoying than an insecure woman. Women are social creatures and need a vast pool of people to talk to and be around. We like to be included in the group of people you obviously love and care about. Also, this is a good chance for you to observe how your friends take your gf. If they don't like her, odds are she is no good for you. You need to put your Nikes on and run in the most opposite direction if they can't stand to be around her for more than an hour at a time.
So, do it for selfish reasons or do it because you really love her. Once that magic is gone, it is hard to get it back. It is a slippery downward slope from a top a very steep hill once a girl begins to feel insecure around you. She will start to see problems with herself and with you that aren't really there, and then before you know it, you are ending something that could be great all because the effort was not put in. Whatever you put in, we are likely to give three times back. It kind of goes along with the saying, give us an inch and we will take it a yard. But in this scenario it is more like, give us a little attention and we will pamper and cater to you like you are a king of the world.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Autocorrect Fail
Hello all from the same position I have not moved from in like two hours,
My friend Sarah and I were having an in depth conversation via text message earlier. I say in depth because it was literally more lengthy than usual because of the autocorrect feature on our phones. I feel like the super geniuses at Apple hit a goldmine when they came up with autocorrect. Then I think about how I hate when autocorrect changes my s word to shot. You dumb shot you!
As a matter of fact, Sarah just tweeted something that was supposed to say psycho but autocorrect saw fit to change it to psychology. No insult can bring you to your knees faster than being called a psychology.
I have a very short story that I would like to tell tonight. It is the worst, yet most hilarious, autocorrect that has ever happened to me.
It was late at night and I had to get up to work the next morning. I was scheduled to be there at seven. If you know me, you know my mornings start around noon every day so I was conflicted. I knew I would make good money because I would be the only waitress on the floor, but I was really not looking forward to carrying heavy trays of pancakes and bacon that early. So, I did what I do about everything. I posted a Facebook status about my inner conflict. It read, "Going to bed early for work. Morning shifts are a love hate." Or so I thought.
When I woke up the next morning, I went through my normal motions. I laid in bed for "just five more minutes," brushed my teeth, pulled my hair back into my trademark curly ponytail, and put some mascara and lipstick on so I didn't frighten the customers away. And of course, I checked my phone. I had like fifteen FB notifications. I was feeling pretty popular until I saw what it was for. Everyone had liked and commented on my status I posted the previous evening. Except, the status did not say what I had meant to say. It read, "Going to bed early for work. Morning SHITS are a love hate." Oh. My. God. I have never laughed so hard in my life. My sides were hurting and I had tears rolling down my chin! It was seven in the morning, my body was totally not prepared for that kind of excitement. Cameron Kirkland had commented on it and Destiny told me later that he laughed all day at work about it. Oh, I am so glad other people got a kick out of my mistake.
Thank you autocorrect, you mother ducker!
My friend Sarah and I were having an in depth conversation via text message earlier. I say in depth because it was literally more lengthy than usual because of the autocorrect feature on our phones. I feel like the super geniuses at Apple hit a goldmine when they came up with autocorrect. Then I think about how I hate when autocorrect changes my s word to shot. You dumb shot you!
As a matter of fact, Sarah just tweeted something that was supposed to say psycho but autocorrect saw fit to change it to psychology. No insult can bring you to your knees faster than being called a psychology.
I have a very short story that I would like to tell tonight. It is the worst, yet most hilarious, autocorrect that has ever happened to me.
It was late at night and I had to get up to work the next morning. I was scheduled to be there at seven. If you know me, you know my mornings start around noon every day so I was conflicted. I knew I would make good money because I would be the only waitress on the floor, but I was really not looking forward to carrying heavy trays of pancakes and bacon that early. So, I did what I do about everything. I posted a Facebook status about my inner conflict. It read, "Going to bed early for work. Morning shifts are a love hate." Or so I thought.
When I woke up the next morning, I went through my normal motions. I laid in bed for "just five more minutes," brushed my teeth, pulled my hair back into my trademark curly ponytail, and put some mascara and lipstick on so I didn't frighten the customers away. And of course, I checked my phone. I had like fifteen FB notifications. I was feeling pretty popular until I saw what it was for. Everyone had liked and commented on my status I posted the previous evening. Except, the status did not say what I had meant to say. It read, "Going to bed early for work. Morning SHITS are a love hate." Oh. My. God. I have never laughed so hard in my life. My sides were hurting and I had tears rolling down my chin! It was seven in the morning, my body was totally not prepared for that kind of excitement. Cameron Kirkland had commented on it and Destiny told me later that he laughed all day at work about it. Oh, I am so glad other people got a kick out of my mistake.
Thank you autocorrect, you mother ducker!
The Break Up
Hello all from my living room,
I have switched pace from Super Bowl Sunday to movie night. TV networks play the best movies on the weekend so I normally hunker down with a bowl of cereal and watch at least one or two. Earlier I watched Uptown Girls. This is in my top ten favorite movies of all time. I hate that Brittany Murphy died, it makes me really sad that she can't make anymore movies like this. Also, it weirds me the heck out when I see Dakota Fanning as young as she was in that movie and then I think about her as Jane in Twilight. It makes me feel so freaking old!!!
Now, I am watching The Break Up. I must say, I love Vince Vaughn. If he was into younger women and realized my existence, I would marry him in a heartbeat. This movie got me thinking about, well, break ups. When should you break up with someone? When is it time to pack up your pride and dignity and leave before it gets trampled on by someone who is undeserving of your attention? I've been through enough to notice a few signs that stick out to me.
1) It is time to break up if video games are more important than spending time with you. Video games are fine. If he wants to play for a few hours every day or set up a night to play with his friends every once in a while, okay fine. Boys like video games, they can't help it. However, if he blows you off saying he has to clean his house and you stop by to help and he is playing video games, run to the hills screaming girl. Get out now! Fellas, these games really aren't all there is to life. All I am saying is the assassins on COD are not going to scratch your back late at night, nibble your ear and whisper naughty things to you, or make you breakfast in the morning. And Mario damn sure isn't going to wash your underwear and nasty gym shorts.
2) If a password has been set his cell phone, it's time to break up. Especially, if the password is suddenly set up. It is fine if the password was there all along and at some point the password is revealed to you. However, if you go to turn on Pandora radio on and you notice you now have to unlock the phone, you can guarantee there is an Ashley, Jessica, Taylor, or Brittney that they are trying to hide from you. Creating a password is the doorway to cheating. Cut the wire before it electrocutes you.
3) If he is refusing to hang out with your friends, it is time to break up. I mean, you chose these friends because you think they are pretty cool. If he doesn't want to meet your friends or keeps you from spending time with them, it's time. There are a million boys to choose from, but only a few friends who will bail you out of jail at 2 in the morning. Choose wisely.
4) If the contact has diminished, it is time to break up. I don't mean he started calling/texting every other hour instead of every hour. Chill out girl, he's gotta eat and sleep at some point! I mean if he goes all day or multiple days with calling or texting, or if you have to initiate the conversation all the time, it is probably time to break up. You aren't in a relationship with yourself, there is no reason you should be doing all the work.
5) This one is for the older gals, if he isn't using the words us in future tense, it is time to break up. We aren't in high school anymore, this isn't about playing a game. I'm not saying he needs to be asking for your ring finger size within the first several months of dating. What I mean is, if he can't plan things like vacations or dinners with his parents or even the next movie date, it's time to get out. This means he doesn't see you in his distant future or maybe even his immediate future. If he doesn't, then neither should you.
6) If he isn't kissing or touching you anymore, it is time to break up. Trust me, there is someone else out there who is dying to do more than that to you. So, if he isn't making an effort to hold your hand, hug you, kiss you or have some part of his body on yours, it is time. If the intimacy has left the building, you should too, as if that building is on fire.
7) If he has cheated on you, leave. There is no explanation for this one. Just leave.
8) If you find yourself thinking about other guys, it is time to break up. I don't mean the occasional, "I wonder what he is up to?" because someone you know is talking about him. I mean if you find yourself daydreaming about his eyes, what he is doing, his butt, who he's talking to... it is time to get out. You're not being fair to the guy you are with. Save him some heartache if he deserves to be saved.
9) If you are cheating/ want to cheat on your boyfriend, go ahead and break it off. There is no reason to deal with all that drama if you really do not want to be with him. Whether he deserves to be cheated on or not, cheating means you would rather be with someone else, anyone else but the guy you are currently with. It's time to break up.
10) If you feel like shit all the time when you are around him, it is time to break up. Your significant other is supposed to lift you up and make you feel good. They are supposed to make you happy and keep a goofy smile on your face. If you are feeling like you'd rather run through a field of lego pieces shoeless in the dark than be around your boyfriend, it is time to let him go.
Now look, I am no love guru. I have no degree validating any of this, although I will in about six months. These are just things that I have experienced personally that I know to look for now. Try to make it work if you feel like it can be worked out. I don't believe in giving up on someone for stupid reasons. However, relationships are not supposed to be forced. They should just happen and go with the flow.
Gents, once again, please replace girl with boy where appropriate to make this something for you. However, if you ever find a girl who can beat you by a lap in Mario Karts or can kill you in a Guitar Hero battle, you should probably keep her around.
I have switched pace from Super Bowl Sunday to movie night. TV networks play the best movies on the weekend so I normally hunker down with a bowl of cereal and watch at least one or two. Earlier I watched Uptown Girls. This is in my top ten favorite movies of all time. I hate that Brittany Murphy died, it makes me really sad that she can't make anymore movies like this. Also, it weirds me the heck out when I see Dakota Fanning as young as she was in that movie and then I think about her as Jane in Twilight. It makes me feel so freaking old!!!
Now, I am watching The Break Up. I must say, I love Vince Vaughn. If he was into younger women and realized my existence, I would marry him in a heartbeat. This movie got me thinking about, well, break ups. When should you break up with someone? When is it time to pack up your pride and dignity and leave before it gets trampled on by someone who is undeserving of your attention? I've been through enough to notice a few signs that stick out to me.
1) It is time to break up if video games are more important than spending time with you. Video games are fine. If he wants to play for a few hours every day or set up a night to play with his friends every once in a while, okay fine. Boys like video games, they can't help it. However, if he blows you off saying he has to clean his house and you stop by to help and he is playing video games, run to the hills screaming girl. Get out now! Fellas, these games really aren't all there is to life. All I am saying is the assassins on COD are not going to scratch your back late at night, nibble your ear and whisper naughty things to you, or make you breakfast in the morning. And Mario damn sure isn't going to wash your underwear and nasty gym shorts.
2) If a password has been set his cell phone, it's time to break up. Especially, if the password is suddenly set up. It is fine if the password was there all along and at some point the password is revealed to you. However, if you go to turn on Pandora radio on and you notice you now have to unlock the phone, you can guarantee there is an Ashley, Jessica, Taylor, or Brittney that they are trying to hide from you. Creating a password is the doorway to cheating. Cut the wire before it electrocutes you.
3) If he is refusing to hang out with your friends, it is time to break up. I mean, you chose these friends because you think they are pretty cool. If he doesn't want to meet your friends or keeps you from spending time with them, it's time. There are a million boys to choose from, but only a few friends who will bail you out of jail at 2 in the morning. Choose wisely.
4) If the contact has diminished, it is time to break up. I don't mean he started calling/texting every other hour instead of every hour. Chill out girl, he's gotta eat and sleep at some point! I mean if he goes all day or multiple days with calling or texting, or if you have to initiate the conversation all the time, it is probably time to break up. You aren't in a relationship with yourself, there is no reason you should be doing all the work.
5) This one is for the older gals, if he isn't using the words us in future tense, it is time to break up. We aren't in high school anymore, this isn't about playing a game. I'm not saying he needs to be asking for your ring finger size within the first several months of dating. What I mean is, if he can't plan things like vacations or dinners with his parents or even the next movie date, it's time to get out. This means he doesn't see you in his distant future or maybe even his immediate future. If he doesn't, then neither should you.
6) If he isn't kissing or touching you anymore, it is time to break up. Trust me, there is someone else out there who is dying to do more than that to you. So, if he isn't making an effort to hold your hand, hug you, kiss you or have some part of his body on yours, it is time. If the intimacy has left the building, you should too, as if that building is on fire.
7) If he has cheated on you, leave. There is no explanation for this one. Just leave.
8) If you find yourself thinking about other guys, it is time to break up. I don't mean the occasional, "I wonder what he is up to?" because someone you know is talking about him. I mean if you find yourself daydreaming about his eyes, what he is doing, his butt, who he's talking to... it is time to get out. You're not being fair to the guy you are with. Save him some heartache if he deserves to be saved.
9) If you are cheating/ want to cheat on your boyfriend, go ahead and break it off. There is no reason to deal with all that drama if you really do not want to be with him. Whether he deserves to be cheated on or not, cheating means you would rather be with someone else, anyone else but the guy you are currently with. It's time to break up.
10) If you feel like shit all the time when you are around him, it is time to break up. Your significant other is supposed to lift you up and make you feel good. They are supposed to make you happy and keep a goofy smile on your face. If you are feeling like you'd rather run through a field of lego pieces shoeless in the dark than be around your boyfriend, it is time to let him go.
Now look, I am no love guru. I have no degree validating any of this, although I will in about six months. These are just things that I have experienced personally that I know to look for now. Try to make it work if you feel like it can be worked out. I don't believe in giving up on someone for stupid reasons. However, relationships are not supposed to be forced. They should just happen and go with the flow.
Gents, once again, please replace girl with boy where appropriate to make this something for you. However, if you ever find a girl who can beat you by a lap in Mario Karts or can kill you in a Guitar Hero battle, you should probably keep her around.
Grandpa Dave
Hello all from in front of my television,
I just witnessed something that will probably go down in football history, a black out during the Super Bowl. I am saying it is an Illuminati takeover, Voldemort is about to finally reveal himself to the muggles, or Bane is about to blow the field up. At least I was, until the lights just came back on in the past two minutes. My imagination was running wild. Honestly, I was scared it was going to be some sort of terrorist attack and I was praying that there was a delay on the television so we could avoid seeing it. But it looks like all horrific could be's have be been snuffed out and the game is back on.
I have zero loyalty to any professional football team. I was saying I was going for the Ravens because they were named after Edgar Allen Poe's poem The Raven. Just a little fun fact from my huge base of useless knowledge.
This weekend I spent a lot of time alone. Cassie left to go home and Chelsey had a lot of cheerleading engagements to attend to so I had a lot of free time. I decided I would take myself out on a date after I had worked very very hard to earn an A on my parenting exam. Actually, I only read about half of what I was supposed to read and said a prayer that it would be on a lot of the information that I had already learned in my other classes. Lucky for me, I was right. I wanted to kiss the girl who was working the desk on the way out of the testing center because I was so happy. I contained myself though, because I don't kiss girls and I also don't think she would have appreciated it. Even though I think my kissing skills are excellent, I am sure she was happy I kept my red lipstick on my own lips.
After I left the testing center and skipped back to my car, I looked up movie times for Warm Bodies. I had an hour and a half and decided my inner carnivore would really appreciate a steak. So, I headed off to Longhorns to spend the giftcard my momma put in my stocking for Christmas. My waiter was so cute. He was tall with dark hair. I do not think it would have been quite as cute had he not had the little speech impediment that he had. He kind of sounded like he had a Brooklyn accent but I knew otherwise when he said any word that had an r in it. I think it is the little imperfections that really attract me to someone. Imperfections are perfectly sexy. Well, most of them anyways. He was tipped very well that day. Not for his cuteness, but for his impeccable service. Okay, maybe his sultry smile and pearly whites had a little something to do with it.
I was off to see Warm Bodies. The plot is basically this: A zombie boy falls in love with a normal girl and he starts to become alive by being around her. I thought the movie would be kind of cheesy, but to my pleasant surprise, it was hilarious and really good. It had some of the best one liners I have ever heard. The boy who played R should win some sort of award for his role. He literally took my heart away with his limpy zombie walk. I strongly recommend this movie to anyone who is on the fence about seeing it, or really just everyone in general.
This movie gave me an idea. Maybe we are all dead, just walking around in a zombie like stupor until we meet someone who makes our hearts start beating again. Metaphorically speaking of course. You very well can't walk around without having a pulse. As my friend Ben would say, that's deep stuff. Message to take away from this, if the person you are dating/interested in makes you feel more zombie than alive, get out as quickly as possible before your gait becomes a hunched over limp and your conversation becomes a series of grunts and groans. Run screaming in the opposite direction as fast as your little legs can carry you.
I met someone this weekend. Unfortunately, he was not the sexy captain of the Lacrosse team. His name is Grandpa Dave. He is the coach of the SLUTS. SLUTs stands for Seminole Ladies Ultimate Team. Ultimate as in Ultimate Frisbee. I was eating a salad at Chili's when I heard this old man voice demanding that Spongebob be put on the televisions. I was kind of annoyed that there was a drunk guy at a bar...Hmm... This seems wrong. He kept on messing with the bartender. I was getting really aggravated until I heard her call him Grandpa Dave. Suddenly, I was noticing that everyone who worked there was calling him Grandpa Dave.
Turns out, he was not drunk and everyone knew him up there and that is why he was picking on the bartender. After I gathered up some courage, I asked him why everyone was calling him that. He said the name came from when he started coaching the SLUTs. The girls called him that due to his older age. He said very sweetly, "I don't have any children or grandchildren of my own, and I sort of look at the girls like my children. I hope nothing bad every happens to any one of them, or of the people who take care of me here." I swear I was glad that a particularly sad moment of Edward Scissorhands was on the TV because I got sort of teary eyed. I've been emotional for some unknown reason all weekend, even the slightest things like this set me off. He proceeded to tell me about the SLUTs and his carpenter job and how he believed that it was Jesus who kept his business busy and making him a lot of money. Grandpa Dave's first job was for a lady in the Tallahassee Rotary Club and she lead him to all the church ladies who in turn have lead him to everyone they know, and we all know that church ladies know everyone.
Grandpa Dave was a lot more than what I was seeing with my eyes. All I saw was a tattered old sweat shirt, tangled white blonde hair, and a big crooked tooth grin; but he was so much more than that. He was quite a character, with a pretty sweet story. He paid for his bill and left the bartender a nice tip. The moral to this story is a tried an true one, do not judge a book by its cover. While his cover screamed homeless troublemaker, his chapters told of a heart of gold that beat for children who are not his. He thanked me for being good for conversation and left.
These are what my little outings alone normally turn into, a conversation with a cute waiter and a little chat with a stranger. I think everyone should go out by themselves every once in a while. Obviously, do not go somewhere by yourself where being by yourself is not safe, but try it sometime. It is quite invigorating and nice to examine the inner desires of your soul and mind. You might meet some incredible people along the way too.
I just witnessed something that will probably go down in football history, a black out during the Super Bowl. I am saying it is an Illuminati takeover, Voldemort is about to finally reveal himself to the muggles, or Bane is about to blow the field up. At least I was, until the lights just came back on in the past two minutes. My imagination was running wild. Honestly, I was scared it was going to be some sort of terrorist attack and I was praying that there was a delay on the television so we could avoid seeing it. But it looks like all horrific could be's have be been snuffed out and the game is back on.
I have zero loyalty to any professional football team. I was saying I was going for the Ravens because they were named after Edgar Allen Poe's poem The Raven. Just a little fun fact from my huge base of useless knowledge.
This weekend I spent a lot of time alone. Cassie left to go home and Chelsey had a lot of cheerleading engagements to attend to so I had a lot of free time. I decided I would take myself out on a date after I had worked very very hard to earn an A on my parenting exam. Actually, I only read about half of what I was supposed to read and said a prayer that it would be on a lot of the information that I had already learned in my other classes. Lucky for me, I was right. I wanted to kiss the girl who was working the desk on the way out of the testing center because I was so happy. I contained myself though, because I don't kiss girls and I also don't think she would have appreciated it. Even though I think my kissing skills are excellent, I am sure she was happy I kept my red lipstick on my own lips.
After I left the testing center and skipped back to my car, I looked up movie times for Warm Bodies. I had an hour and a half and decided my inner carnivore would really appreciate a steak. So, I headed off to Longhorns to spend the giftcard my momma put in my stocking for Christmas. My waiter was so cute. He was tall with dark hair. I do not think it would have been quite as cute had he not had the little speech impediment that he had. He kind of sounded like he had a Brooklyn accent but I knew otherwise when he said any word that had an r in it. I think it is the little imperfections that really attract me to someone. Imperfections are perfectly sexy. Well, most of them anyways. He was tipped very well that day. Not for his cuteness, but for his impeccable service. Okay, maybe his sultry smile and pearly whites had a little something to do with it.
I was off to see Warm Bodies. The plot is basically this: A zombie boy falls in love with a normal girl and he starts to become alive by being around her. I thought the movie would be kind of cheesy, but to my pleasant surprise, it was hilarious and really good. It had some of the best one liners I have ever heard. The boy who played R should win some sort of award for his role. He literally took my heart away with his limpy zombie walk. I strongly recommend this movie to anyone who is on the fence about seeing it, or really just everyone in general.
This movie gave me an idea. Maybe we are all dead, just walking around in a zombie like stupor until we meet someone who makes our hearts start beating again. Metaphorically speaking of course. You very well can't walk around without having a pulse. As my friend Ben would say, that's deep stuff. Message to take away from this, if the person you are dating/interested in makes you feel more zombie than alive, get out as quickly as possible before your gait becomes a hunched over limp and your conversation becomes a series of grunts and groans. Run screaming in the opposite direction as fast as your little legs can carry you.
I met someone this weekend. Unfortunately, he was not the sexy captain of the Lacrosse team. His name is Grandpa Dave. He is the coach of the SLUTS. SLUTs stands for Seminole Ladies Ultimate Team. Ultimate as in Ultimate Frisbee. I was eating a salad at Chili's when I heard this old man voice demanding that Spongebob be put on the televisions. I was kind of annoyed that there was a drunk guy at a bar...Hmm... This seems wrong. He kept on messing with the bartender. I was getting really aggravated until I heard her call him Grandpa Dave. Suddenly, I was noticing that everyone who worked there was calling him Grandpa Dave.
Turns out, he was not drunk and everyone knew him up there and that is why he was picking on the bartender. After I gathered up some courage, I asked him why everyone was calling him that. He said the name came from when he started coaching the SLUTs. The girls called him that due to his older age. He said very sweetly, "I don't have any children or grandchildren of my own, and I sort of look at the girls like my children. I hope nothing bad every happens to any one of them, or of the people who take care of me here." I swear I was glad that a particularly sad moment of Edward Scissorhands was on the TV because I got sort of teary eyed. I've been emotional for some unknown reason all weekend, even the slightest things like this set me off. He proceeded to tell me about the SLUTs and his carpenter job and how he believed that it was Jesus who kept his business busy and making him a lot of money. Grandpa Dave's first job was for a lady in the Tallahassee Rotary Club and she lead him to all the church ladies who in turn have lead him to everyone they know, and we all know that church ladies know everyone.
Grandpa Dave was a lot more than what I was seeing with my eyes. All I saw was a tattered old sweat shirt, tangled white blonde hair, and a big crooked tooth grin; but he was so much more than that. He was quite a character, with a pretty sweet story. He paid for his bill and left the bartender a nice tip. The moral to this story is a tried an true one, do not judge a book by its cover. While his cover screamed homeless troublemaker, his chapters told of a heart of gold that beat for children who are not his. He thanked me for being good for conversation and left.
These are what my little outings alone normally turn into, a conversation with a cute waiter and a little chat with a stranger. I think everyone should go out by themselves every once in a while. Obviously, do not go somewhere by yourself where being by yourself is not safe, but try it sometime. It is quite invigorating and nice to examine the inner desires of your soul and mind. You might meet some incredible people along the way too.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Naked as a Jaybird
Hello all from my couch,
This couch is absolutely terrible to sleep on. I love leather because it stays clean and doesn't absorb smell, but when I try to sleep on this thing, I end up all hot and my face normally gets stuck to it.
I see people complaining a lot about crappy situations. I'd like to shine light on the fact that being in a situation that you hadn't planned on being in can be so much better than the original plan.
Whoa! I just had some serious deja vu. I think that is how it is spelled. But I swear I have been here before writing about what I am about to touch on. I have heard it said that if you experience deja vu, you are in the right place at the right time. Ma P is so wise. Guess I must be on time.
I have mentioned before a boy that I dated in high school. Well, this is the story about the first time I saw him naked. Don't get all excited you bunch of pervs, it is so not what you think. No kinky, steamy scene like Fifty Shades or anything like that. We were in the wrong place at the wrong time, but somehow it ended up being a night I'd never forget.
I had liked him for a long time, and at this point I was unfortunately cheating on my boyfriend at the time with him. In fact, the night this all happened, my boyfriend had just dropped me off at home when boy came and picked me up. I know, I am a complete jerk and I am so ashamed that I couldn't put my big girl panties on and just break up with the poor kid. Anyways, he was taking me somewhere I had always wanted to go: Winter Wonderland in St. Augustine. Winter Wonderland is where they turn this huge park into an icy dream world around Christmas time complete with a skating rink, an ice slide, real snow, horse drawn carriage rides, lights, and hot chocolate. He was the perfect amount of fun to do something like this with and I was dying to see him try and skate.
Boy picked me up as soon as my boyfriend left. We were on our way. When I asked him if he knew where he was going he said of course. Turns out, he has the direction intuition of a microwave. We got so lost. We were half way to Daytona when we realized and had to turn around. Both of our bellies were grumbling so we decided to stop and eat somewhere. We are both extremely fond of breakfast and saw a Denny's and went with it. We talked and laughed for a long time in our little booth. I fell a little deeper in love over our orange juice and bacon.
On the way home, I got super excited when I saw someone's headlight out in the traffic on the opposite side of the road. I freaked out and screamed bididdle and slammed my palm up on the roof of his truck. I had initiated our game of bididdle and told him to take it off.
Now, for those of you who do not know what bididdle is, it is played whilst driving down the road. You look for either head lights or tail lights that are out and the last one to hit the roof and say bididdle has to remove a piece of clothing from their body. Probably not the safest thing in the world to do, but neither is skydiving and people do that all the time. Boy was exceptionally competitive, and accepted my challenge with a promise I would regret this.
Naturally, he beat me, but only by one garment. I had to take my underwear off, thank goodness I wore cute ones. So there I was, stark ass naked with nothing but a seat belt for minor censoring in this boy's truck driving down a highly populated interstate. I already had my speech ready in case we got pulled over, "Well, you see officer, what had happened was...." I said it was only fair if he took his off. I was a sore loser. I thought for sure I would win and felt we should be on equal grounds. He fell for it when I started to pout. He took off his boxers and there we were. Just a driving as naked as jaybirds. We both just looked at each other and died laughing. I laughed so hard until it hurt. Not laughing at each other in a bad way, it was just fun. We rode like that and giggled until we were almost back to my house.
So, if you feel as though something isn't going like you planned, wait it out and see what happens anyways. I find that the best things in life are the ones that are unplanned. Hey, I was unplanned and I think I am pretty fabulous(huge bubble of ego floating around my head right now). I wouldn't trade that night for a pile of snow and a cup of coco any day. Even knowing what I know now. Do not regret things in life. There is too little time for that. Instead, turn them into wonderful stories. Your heart will be grateful for it.
This couch is absolutely terrible to sleep on. I love leather because it stays clean and doesn't absorb smell, but when I try to sleep on this thing, I end up all hot and my face normally gets stuck to it.
I see people complaining a lot about crappy situations. I'd like to shine light on the fact that being in a situation that you hadn't planned on being in can be so much better than the original plan.
Whoa! I just had some serious deja vu. I think that is how it is spelled. But I swear I have been here before writing about what I am about to touch on. I have heard it said that if you experience deja vu, you are in the right place at the right time. Ma P is so wise. Guess I must be on time.
I have mentioned before a boy that I dated in high school. Well, this is the story about the first time I saw him naked. Don't get all excited you bunch of pervs, it is so not what you think. No kinky, steamy scene like Fifty Shades or anything like that. We were in the wrong place at the wrong time, but somehow it ended up being a night I'd never forget.
I had liked him for a long time, and at this point I was unfortunately cheating on my boyfriend at the time with him. In fact, the night this all happened, my boyfriend had just dropped me off at home when boy came and picked me up. I know, I am a complete jerk and I am so ashamed that I couldn't put my big girl panties on and just break up with the poor kid. Anyways, he was taking me somewhere I had always wanted to go: Winter Wonderland in St. Augustine. Winter Wonderland is where they turn this huge park into an icy dream world around Christmas time complete with a skating rink, an ice slide, real snow, horse drawn carriage rides, lights, and hot chocolate. He was the perfect amount of fun to do something like this with and I was dying to see him try and skate.
Boy picked me up as soon as my boyfriend left. We were on our way. When I asked him if he knew where he was going he said of course. Turns out, he has the direction intuition of a microwave. We got so lost. We were half way to Daytona when we realized and had to turn around. Both of our bellies were grumbling so we decided to stop and eat somewhere. We are both extremely fond of breakfast and saw a Denny's and went with it. We talked and laughed for a long time in our little booth. I fell a little deeper in love over our orange juice and bacon.
On the way home, I got super excited when I saw someone's headlight out in the traffic on the opposite side of the road. I freaked out and screamed bididdle and slammed my palm up on the roof of his truck. I had initiated our game of bididdle and told him to take it off.
Now, for those of you who do not know what bididdle is, it is played whilst driving down the road. You look for either head lights or tail lights that are out and the last one to hit the roof and say bididdle has to remove a piece of clothing from their body. Probably not the safest thing in the world to do, but neither is skydiving and people do that all the time. Boy was exceptionally competitive, and accepted my challenge with a promise I would regret this.
Naturally, he beat me, but only by one garment. I had to take my underwear off, thank goodness I wore cute ones. So there I was, stark ass naked with nothing but a seat belt for minor censoring in this boy's truck driving down a highly populated interstate. I already had my speech ready in case we got pulled over, "Well, you see officer, what had happened was...." I said it was only fair if he took his off. I was a sore loser. I thought for sure I would win and felt we should be on equal grounds. He fell for it when I started to pout. He took off his boxers and there we were. Just a driving as naked as jaybirds. We both just looked at each other and died laughing. I laughed so hard until it hurt. Not laughing at each other in a bad way, it was just fun. We rode like that and giggled until we were almost back to my house.
So, if you feel as though something isn't going like you planned, wait it out and see what happens anyways. I find that the best things in life are the ones that are unplanned. Hey, I was unplanned and I think I am pretty fabulous(huge bubble of ego floating around my head right now). I wouldn't trade that night for a pile of snow and a cup of coco any day. Even knowing what I know now. Do not regret things in life. There is too little time for that. Instead, turn them into wonderful stories. Your heart will be grateful for it.
Fire, Gasoline, and a Beast
Hello all from my love movie marathon,
Yes, I have broken down and watched a few sappy movies tonight. I love them all, I am such a sucker for them really. I must be a sadistic freak, because they always make me cry and even though I know I will get all choked up, I watch them anyways. Currently, Beastly is on. If you haven't heard of it, it is pretty much a modern day Beauty and the Beast. This boy is hateful and of course he is GORGEOUS, so a witch casts a spell on him to where someone has to love him when he is ugly. Obviously, the girl ends up falling for him, tattooed, scarred face, bald headed and all. In fact, when he reveals himself to her, she says, "I've seen worse."
Why can't this be real life? I wish some freaky looking dude would come get me and then turn out to be some hot guy whenever I kissed him. However, this is reality and my luck would be he would just be freaky looking and kidnap me.
I don't care about most of that stuff really. If you are nice, have a good heart, have a sense of humor, and I can dress you up, you are pretty much in with me. If you have dimples, long pretty eye lashes, freckles and are good looking, it's just an added bonus. Especially the first three though. Mhhmmm, those things make any man look good. Being able to rock a baseball hat old school is a bonus too. Not the slanted to the side or tilted up styles that are popular today, I mean regular old bill facing forward, low over the eyes style. Not too many men can pull this off correctly anymore. It is not in style anymore. Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong decade. I think I belong in a time where sharing milkshakes and parking were cool. Anyone else out there think they belong in a different time?
Side story, I read something on the internet a few nights ago that if you cannot sleep, it is because you are awake in someone else's dream. Well, I'd like to tell whoever is constantly dreaming about me to give it a rest or come and find me because I am so tired of not being able to lay down and fall asleep like I used to. I swear I must be running laps in this person's dream. Let me sleep darn it! I dream about scary monsters and people who I have never met. I wonder if they are awake out there somewhere in the world. Actually, it is impossible for the brain to make up faces from scratch, so every face you see in your dreams, you have seen in real life somewhere before. Kind of like that Sleeping Beauty song "Once Upon a Dream." She talks about dancing and walking with someone, because she has seen him before. It's kind of nice when you think about the fact that the hot guy who drops his keys in the parking lot and thanks you for returning them with an amazing date and an even better kiss is real. Until you think about the murderer who killed you with a poisonous needle must also be real. Perfect. Logic sucks.
Anyways, I try to go for substance over style. Except for the depressing fact that I have not actually dated anyone with substance. Actually the last boyfriend didn't have style either, he still wears jorts... Looks like I have been slacking in both categories. But not anymore. This is my public vow... I've had someone I could talk to, really talk to, who ended up being an asshole unfortunately. I've been the asshole in a few situations too. By no means am I trying to make myself sound like I am perfect. I hurt someone real bad in high school, and it hurts my heart to think that I was so cruel. But going for true substance over style will be my goal this time around. I am a girl for Heaven's sake, give me a comb, an ironed shirt, and a nice pair of dark wash jeans and I can give him some style. You can't give someone substance, except for the tiny little piece that is you that is missing. If you can't have a conversation with someone about old movies or books or what you want out of life, what is there really?
I was at yoga tonight, which is what inspired this little substance vs. style debacle. After an hour of being put into very compromising positions and lots of deep breathing (sounds more like sex than exercise), my teacher Kelly left us with an inspirational quote. I guess she was trying to make sure she incorporated the mind into this mind, body, and spirit training. She said, "If you want to truly live, you must first set your life on fire. Find someone who will fan your flames." While in balasana, I immediately thought of the Hunger Games which has nothing to do with any of this, just throwing in some proof of how random I truly am. But what she means is, find someone who will enhance the spark inside that you already have, not someone who will dull your embers back into black coal. So, all my single folks out there, do you first, do not settle like leaves at the bottom of a pond. Fill your life with substance first, like placing wood in a pit for a fire. The more logs you have, the bigger it will be. Then, when you have reached your max, find someone with a substance so fierce, it will make the biggest and brightest of flames. If you only throw paper on a fire, the flame will burn bright for a few seconds, then die out. This is because it has no substance. Don't find someone with paper. Find someone with gasoline.
Yes, I have broken down and watched a few sappy movies tonight. I love them all, I am such a sucker for them really. I must be a sadistic freak, because they always make me cry and even though I know I will get all choked up, I watch them anyways. Currently, Beastly is on. If you haven't heard of it, it is pretty much a modern day Beauty and the Beast. This boy is hateful and of course he is GORGEOUS, so a witch casts a spell on him to where someone has to love him when he is ugly. Obviously, the girl ends up falling for him, tattooed, scarred face, bald headed and all. In fact, when he reveals himself to her, she says, "I've seen worse."
Why can't this be real life? I wish some freaky looking dude would come get me and then turn out to be some hot guy whenever I kissed him. However, this is reality and my luck would be he would just be freaky looking and kidnap me.
I don't care about most of that stuff really. If you are nice, have a good heart, have a sense of humor, and I can dress you up, you are pretty much in with me. If you have dimples, long pretty eye lashes, freckles and are good looking, it's just an added bonus. Especially the first three though. Mhhmmm, those things make any man look good. Being able to rock a baseball hat old school is a bonus too. Not the slanted to the side or tilted up styles that are popular today, I mean regular old bill facing forward, low over the eyes style. Not too many men can pull this off correctly anymore. It is not in style anymore. Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong decade. I think I belong in a time where sharing milkshakes and parking were cool. Anyone else out there think they belong in a different time?
Side story, I read something on the internet a few nights ago that if you cannot sleep, it is because you are awake in someone else's dream. Well, I'd like to tell whoever is constantly dreaming about me to give it a rest or come and find me because I am so tired of not being able to lay down and fall asleep like I used to. I swear I must be running laps in this person's dream. Let me sleep darn it! I dream about scary monsters and people who I have never met. I wonder if they are awake out there somewhere in the world. Actually, it is impossible for the brain to make up faces from scratch, so every face you see in your dreams, you have seen in real life somewhere before. Kind of like that Sleeping Beauty song "Once Upon a Dream." She talks about dancing and walking with someone, because she has seen him before. It's kind of nice when you think about the fact that the hot guy who drops his keys in the parking lot and thanks you for returning them with an amazing date and an even better kiss is real. Until you think about the murderer who killed you with a poisonous needle must also be real. Perfect. Logic sucks.
Anyways, I try to go for substance over style. Except for the depressing fact that I have not actually dated anyone with substance. Actually the last boyfriend didn't have style either, he still wears jorts... Looks like I have been slacking in both categories. But not anymore. This is my public vow... I've had someone I could talk to, really talk to, who ended up being an asshole unfortunately. I've been the asshole in a few situations too. By no means am I trying to make myself sound like I am perfect. I hurt someone real bad in high school, and it hurts my heart to think that I was so cruel. But going for true substance over style will be my goal this time around. I am a girl for Heaven's sake, give me a comb, an ironed shirt, and a nice pair of dark wash jeans and I can give him some style. You can't give someone substance, except for the tiny little piece that is you that is missing. If you can't have a conversation with someone about old movies or books or what you want out of life, what is there really?
I was at yoga tonight, which is what inspired this little substance vs. style debacle. After an hour of being put into very compromising positions and lots of deep breathing (sounds more like sex than exercise), my teacher Kelly left us with an inspirational quote. I guess she was trying to make sure she incorporated the mind into this mind, body, and spirit training. She said, "If you want to truly live, you must first set your life on fire. Find someone who will fan your flames." While in balasana, I immediately thought of the Hunger Games which has nothing to do with any of this, just throwing in some proof of how random I truly am. But what she means is, find someone who will enhance the spark inside that you already have, not someone who will dull your embers back into black coal. So, all my single folks out there, do you first, do not settle like leaves at the bottom of a pond. Fill your life with substance first, like placing wood in a pit for a fire. The more logs you have, the bigger it will be. Then, when you have reached your max, find someone with a substance so fierce, it will make the biggest and brightest of flames. If you only throw paper on a fire, the flame will burn bright for a few seconds, then die out. This is because it has no substance. Don't find someone with paper. Find someone with gasoline.
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