Hello all,
I should currently be packing for my immanent trip to the beautiful city of Seattle: home of the recent Superbowl winners. I heard it is really live there tonight as the players are returning. You know you have done something cool when they have to shut down the airport so the 12th man can't tear the jerseys from their bodies upon their arrival.
So I should be packing since I am actually leaving in about a day. I haven't even taken my the tags off of my brand new luggage; TEAM PROCRASTINATORS UNITE!!!!! However, with the night I have had, I have decided that I needed to just sit around eating Reese Peanut Butter hearts (which by the way are about 200000 billion times better than regular Reese cups) and my beloved blog and readers. You guys are my Valentines this year and I think we deserve a night in with each other. You know, regardless of if I will be ready to fly across the country on Wednesday or not.
This year's official how-to-survive-Valentine's-day-without-getting-bitch-slapped-because-you-got-your-person-a-shitty-gift blog is slightly past due, much like my friend Tannah's gorgeous baby girl was until she finally entered the world on January 29th. Hot mamma, you and Matt did a marvelous job. I obviously need to do whatever y'all did when that time for baby making comes for me. Seriously y'all, I feel like they must have done some sort of ritual dance or drank a special cute baby concoction to make this baby so pretty. Give me your secret!
No, truth be told, I am feeling a little ill towards my favorite holiday. This will be the second one I am spending "alone" and... well, damn, bring on another bag of Reese hearts. It just isn't the same when your mom buys you a big huge teddy bear. That's not a "I love you gorgeous" teddy bear, it's a consolation teddy that says "sorry, there's always next year Sugarpants." Yeah, my mom calls me Sugarpants, be super jealous. Just go ahead and add a bottle of wine to my dinner of chocolate hearts. Hold the glass.
This ill feeling is really intensified when I walk into any given store and see at least three aisles of pink hearts, ridiculous balloons, and the animal kingdom of cheaply made stuffed animals. Seriously, they will turn any animal into a Valentine's Day animal. Nothing shouts Valentine's Day like a pink snake with heart patterned skin. What the hell sort of message is that supposed to send?! "Hey baby, I love you, so you should let me slither in later on tonight!" Actually, that's not bad!!!! Ha! I slay myself!
Also, I swear, the fella who finds me a stuffed elephant seal for Valentine's Day will be the one I marry. Hands down. Find that and you have the right to my body. Just a little side note to the man who is out there on his way to me.
Without further ado, here is my official gift guide to Valentine's Day 2014:
For the ladies:
1) Look guys, I am going to say what I said last year, we love it when you make us things. There is nothing cuter than a boy and a handmade card. Break out the macaroni, glue stick, and pink card stock and get to work. This works for you because it is cheap and is guaranteed to make your lady friend smile, even if it looks like a 3 year old did it. The point is, you put time and thought into something for her.
2) Something new to add to the list this year is a fitness class pass. I don't mean some boyish sort of exercise class, but something sexy like a pole dancing class. There is a place in Tallahassee called Art of the Catwalk, and they offer every class you could think of to bring out your girl's inner sex kitten. Trust me, every girl has one. It may be buried deep, deep down, but put her in front of a pole with Rihanna's "Rude Boy" playing and you will see the claws come out. This place had a pole class, a chair class, sexy boot camp, a number of hip hop dance classes, and (the one that I was most interested in) a Burlesque class. Aerial yoga and hot yoga are also good classes that a lot of us gals are into.
*******CAUTION CAUTION CAUTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*************
DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES MAKE THIS THE ONLY GIFT YOU GIVE YOUR GIRL IF YOU ARE GOING TO GIVE HER THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Giving a girl an exercise class for Valentine's Day could seriously backfire if you go about it wrong. Our fitness buff girls will love it and probably not question it, especially if you two work out together. However, if you have a girlfriend who is very body conscious, always putting herself down about the way she looks, or maybe has honest to goodness put on a few pounds lately, you need to utilize the extremest of caution. Get her the class and a box of chocolate to even it out. That way it doesn't say, "Damn baby I love you, but you need to shed some pounds," but rather, "Hey girl, I know you have been talking about doing this class, and I love that you love being healthy, but you are perfect the way you are and I'd tap that ass any day, so I got you some chocolate too." That way, you avoid her asking you for the next three months if you think she is fat, crying randomly and cussing at you, working out to the extreme and then eating a whole cheesecake, becoming anorexic and eventually needing some serious therapy and cheeseburgers. Point is, if you are going to go with this really unique and cool V-day gift, combine it with some sort of treat or other present so she doesn't think that you think she is fat.
3)Girls love pictures. We may complain about pictures of ourselves, but really we love taking pictures. If you feel like it is appropriate, set up an appointment with your local photographer and surprise her with a photography session. What exactly do I mean by appropriate? I'll tell you. If you have been dating girl for over a year and you guys legitimately care about each other and can seriously see yourselves moving on into the future together, that is appropriate. What is not appropriate is if you have been dating a girl for two months and she is hinting at getting pictures made with you, TURN AROUND BRIGHT EYES AND RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN. THIS BITCH IS CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do the cute matching thing. Or, well, I'd prefer to call it "Couple Coordinating." Unless you just want to, wearing matching pink polo shirts is a little dated and cheesy. Maybe for like one picture. Coordinating is simply her wearing a pink shirt and the guy wearing a pink tie. Or maybe he has on a red shirt and she's rocking the red Vans on her feet with a white shirt up top. Pick something that matches, but not anything that is overkill.
**BONUS POINTS ALERT**
Pick out the outfit for her. It really isn't that hard to do guys. Look in her closet, get a feel for her style, look at what colors she likes, write down the sizes and take it to someone working in the store you are shopping in. Find a girl or a gay guy working there (sorry, not trying to be stereotypical but these guys have it right) and let them help you. If you just suck at fashion, just a cute note with some money in it that says, "Pick out something as stunning as you are so I can fill that little plastic thing in my wallet the way that you have filled my heart.".... WOW! I am good! The perfect amount of cheesy without overdoing it, but just fluffy enough to guarantee you a V-day card that didn't come from Hallmark.
4) Dinner is the oldest card in the book for a perfect romantic Valentine's Day setting. It needs to be done right though. This is what I suggest this year. Stay home. Cook your girl her favorite meal (if you can), set the table with real plates and glasses, pick up a bottle of Reisling or whatever she likes, turn the lights down low and light the candles on the table. Again, we love when you make us things. Go for something Italian if she likes that type of food. I love lasagna. Homemade food is way better than restaurant food. I want it everyday of the week and twice on Sundays. If you want to go out and you know she wants to go out, go out for dessert. Make the dinner at home and go find something sweet at a little cafe. That way you get the best of both worlds.
5)Pick her up a spa sort of treatment. We love massages, pedicures, hair cuts, etc. Um... if you want something that is going to benefit you as well as her, get her a Brazilian wax from Brazil's. I have talked so many of my friends into getting them done and we all love them. I now get my legs done too, and it is so much better than shaving. Never suffer through cuddling with a prickly legged girl again. Plus, for whatever reason, every time I leave my appointment at Brazil's, I am instantaneously horny and ready to pounce. See, it is a win win. She gets to have a stubble free kitten, and you just get to have it.
6) Movies are the other leading V-day date. Again, I suggest doing it at home. Make a cute pallet with lots of blankets, pillows, throws, two glasses and a bottle of champagne, and light some candles all around. If you are feeling super romantic, sprinkle some rose petals in a path leading from the door to your cozy little setup. Rent some sort of sappy love movie, and she is guaranteed to love it. If you want to go out, I suggest finding a drive in theatre. A drive in is a little more interesting, intimate and more out of the ordinary than usual.
The last half of the last sentence is the whole key to making for a successful Valentine's Day; out of the ordinary. What ever you decide to do, make it out of the ordinary. We know that you love us, we really do. You tell us everyday and we do hear you. But Valentine's Day is the day to go all out, cut all ties loose, let your cupid flag fly and really wow your individual. Get some flowers, write a silly note from the heart, really show us on that day! After all, actions speak louder than words, so do it to it boys.
For the Men:
I feel as though the men are pretty neglected on Valentine's day. Everything from the heart shaped everything down to the very colors that signify this holiday scream "Chicks not dicks." It is sort of hard to find anything for the guys. The television has been advertising KY Yours and Mine for the man's favorite gift, and that very well may be true. On second thought, I'm positive that any guy who got that would be over the moon and ready to lay you down on that movie pallet later. But I have a few ideas for our fellas that are not bottles of personal lubricants.
1) The guys may not go for homemade cards as much as we do. Sure, they might think they are sweet, but the real way to a guys heart is through his stomach. For your homemade gift to your hunk of burning man, make him his favorite treat. Get sexy and make him some chocolate covered strawberries. They really aren't difficult to make. Grab a bag of milk chocolate chocolate chips, I use Nestle chips, follow the microwave directions, and dip the berries. I put the chocolate in a coffee mug because the berries come out prettier. I think it is because you can dunk the whole berry down into the mug rather than rolling it around in a shallow bowl. White chocolate is another easy chocolate to use, and you can add a few drops of food coloring to make pink berries. Do not use semi-sweet morsels, the chocolate does not harden all the way. After you dip the berries, you can roll them around in sprinkles, chopped nuts, sugar, or do a double dose of delicious and dunk a berry that you dipped in white chocolate in milk chocolate after it has hardened. Two layers of chocolate!!!! Whatever you do, make something he likes to indulge on.
2) Okay, so I tried this a few years ago and I have to say it was a lot cuter in my head than the end product that I produced. I wanted to make this coupon book for a boyfriend. It was basically a book of "get out of jail free" cards. Basically you fill out small rectangles of paper to make them look like a coupon with things like "No bitching about my all day video game spree" or "One free blow job, no complaints" or "One beer run for Monday Night football with your gas." The idea is perfect for a guy. It's the perfect combination of naughty and sweet, meaningful and funny. Guys will love whipping them out on you. Now, the only thing I had wrong with me is that God didn't give me an artistic bone in my body to fulfill my creative ideas. My handwriting looks like my niece's and there have been multiple injuries with a glue gun that may or may not have been thrown out of my door several times. So, if you are like me and hopelessly sloppy, try creating them on the computer. WAYYYYYY EASIER and in my case way more legible.
3) Let me be totally honest about what a guy wants on Valentine's Day. He wants you. Naked. In various and many compromising positions on multiple different surfaces. SEX! He wants SEX! If you are at that stage in your relationship give it to him. THIS DOES NOT APPLY TO MY YOUNGER READERS OUT THERE. YOU CAN QUIT READING THIS POST NOW. SEX MAKES BABIES AND BABIES POOP AND CRY A LOT AND YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO BE SEXY IN A BIKINI AGAIN. DO NOT HAVE SEX! However, for my readers who are of that sort of maturity, give it to him. Fulfill his wildest fantasies. If he wants to do it on the trampoline, do it on the trampoline. Trust me, you won't be sorry on that one. If he wants you in the car while he is driving, hang on and go for a ride. I just suggest a back road for the protection of others. As with what I said about the girls earlier, he wants something out of the ordinary.
4) Tickets to a sporting event are always a good idea. Guys have a team in every sport from football to soccer to curling, so the time of year does not really matter. Since February is devoted mainly to basketball, I suggest tickets to his favorite team's game. College or pro, they might not care, but a pro game might be more exciting. Buy him a new shirt with their logo, put it on the bed with a note on it that says, "There's a twelve pack in the fridge getting cold for the pregame. Put this and your J's on, we have a game to catch." He will love you forever.
Whatever you do this Valentine's Day, do something differently than you would on an ordinary day. Go all out, show your love, let your other half feel the affection you have for him or her. Be silly, be fun, be in love.
