Hello all!
So, it has finally happened. No, I have not been cast on my favorite show, Game of Thrones. Alas, I am still waiting on my letter of confirmation. However, something equally as cool has happened. As of Tuesday night, when I jumped off of Space Mountain at Disney World, I officially became a college graduate from the true ivy of the South, the Hogwarts of all Colleges, the castle within the hills, the Florida State University. Okay, so I made like all of those nicknames up, but I think the Hogwarts one should stick. You know, since our school colors look like Gryffindor's colors, our buildings look castle-y, and that Suwanee room was designed after the Great Hall. Little fun fact for this blog post.
Ah, yes, the sun has set on my time here in Seminole country, and it is time for me to move on to pastures that don't have a 50 yard line or the ever so fine Osceola atop the noble Renegade circling around in the endzone. Serious talk, it is my goal in life to marry that man on Renegade's back.
Tears have been shed, yes, but not because I am sad to be leaving (even though I am mortified to move back home and leave this magical place). They are tears of triumphant happiness as I realize I will never again have to try and kill someone Hunger Games style over the last parking spot in Woodward. Tears that contain the hatred I hoard for the Osceola bus route that is about as reliable as Erol is at delivering Ron's letters. If you don't get that reference, you should punch yourself... in the ear...repeatedly. Tears of sweet release because I will never have to turn in a Chemistry lab report to an Asian Teaching Assistant who will make you feel about as dumb as the air conditioning system that runs in Fischer lecture hall. For real, can we talk about that shit for a second? It will be in the dead middle of a Tallahassee summer and the AC will be off all week. There is more sweat than ink on notes at that point. Or you will see students unpacking blankets from their shoulder bags in December because the heater is "broken." They are taking budget cuts to the extreme I guess, getting a two for one bonus. Shut the air off and save money, cook the students slowly like ribs and then serve them up in Suwanee to save money on chicken nuggets. Okay, so truth be told I only ate in Suwanee during orientation many moons ago, making it seem unfair that I pick on it, but I heard they were only giving students 2 chicken nuggets per plate during finals week. SERIOUSLY?? You have a dining hall full of students who are ready to slit their wrists/blow the school up because their professors all conspired to give their finals all on the same day within three hours of the others, and you are going to deny them their chicken in nugget form?! Let the kids eat, dammit, before they go all Bane caving in the football field while Kenny Shaw runs a kick return back for a touchdown. That guy though, holy cow! SHAW IS LAW!
You may have caught where I said "Tallahassee summer." Trust me, there is a difference in a summer in Tally than a summer anywhere else. Actually, all of the weather in Tally is distinctly different than normal places. It is utterly cataclysmic and almost schizophrenic in how it changes from one day to the next. The heat out here is enough to make the devil's balls sweat and nuns consider thong bathing suits. Word from the wise, DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING IN YOUR CAR UNTIL IT HAS IDLED FOR A GOOD HALF HOUR. For real though, there isn't a pain like accidentally hitting your elbow on that little metal piece of the seat belt.
The humidity is something of tropical proportions. Ladies, unless you have that supermodel hair that just looks fantastic all the time, you might as well not even bother with it during the months of March through November. The second you step outside you are going to look like you just fucked Pikachu.
The cold here is as fierce as the heat and bone chilling nonetheless. One night, I was in my apartment alone. Everyone had already left for Christmas break and it was basically a snowless blizzard outside. The temp outside was 18 degrees. The wind was so intense, it actually blew my window in and set my house alarm off. I was asleep and it was like 2 in the morning. I almost peed the bed as I reflexively grabbed for an ex boyfriend's baseball bat ready to make heads roll. I laugh now because it was a commemorative bat that was about a foot long. Really, what was I going to do with that had someone actually been breaking in?
Incoming students, bring two wardrobes: your winter one summer one. There will be days where you start off in a ski suit saying "winter is coming" and end up stripping it all off to jump in Wescott fountain for relief from the sweltering heat around noon. Oh, bring cough medicine too. You will pretty much stay ill from this sort of weather.
Bless you all who are sick enough to drag your snotty selves to Thagard. Well, technically it is called the Health and Wellness Center now, but to me it will always be known as Thagard: "Are you Sure you aren't Pregnant". I kid you not, I could walk in there with my arm chopped off and be like, "Excuse me, I think I need to see a doctor. You see, I am bleeding something fierce and I am feeling dizzy and nauseated from lack thereof." Their response would be, "Honey, are you sure you aren't pregnant?" as they look at me with my right upper appendage missing and blood pooling all over their squeaky white floor. You could be a male and go in complaining of the stomach flu and they will still ask, "Is there even the slightest chance you could be pregnant SIR?" Ah, Thagard, the only place where God and Biology could be wrong. I am not sure how many times I have went in for an appointment and wound up convinced that I was pregnant within the first 5 minutes of my appointment, even though Strozier on the Sunday after finals was more populated than my bed. I swear, you go to all extremes as soon as that perky little office assistant asks you when you last had sex. "Um, let's see, tomorrow is Tuesday... so that makes it last January... Well, I have been feeling sort of tired, and hungry, and pissed off at everything from my favorite TV show ending badly to my professors giving me too much homework over the weekend. And man, my boobs are killing me. Shit, um... I also want to bang everything in site because I am so madly turned on all the time....OMG I AM PREGNANT!!!!!" Suddenly, every rational reason for being a tired, pissed off, moody, horny college student holds no water and you conclude that you are now hopelessly carrying your boyfriend who-you-have-been-considering-breaking-up-with's bastard child. Great. Pregnancy tests and condoms might as well be party favors at Thagard. Walk up to any information desk to check in and you will find a candy bowl of condoms sitting there, as casual as fuck. And the ladies at the desk will give you the stink eye until you take at least two handfuls.
Okay, so I have poked a lot of fun at my beloved school. Truth be told, I really do love this place. It has an enchanting pull that made even me, a die hard gator fan, decide to stow away all the orange and blue and don the brilliant garnet and dazzling gold instead. I became a fan the first time I set foot in Doak Campbell stadium for my first Seminole football game. We played Samford, an easy win. But the first time I heard the cry of the war chant and saw every right hand raised doing the chop, my conversion seemed to be a no brainer. I love this school. The rolling hills unique to this part of Florida give students facing the Freshman 15 a fighting chance and are magnificent to look at in the sunset light. The ancient, wise trees that shade the walkways and tower next to the buildings that are just as old are whisper the secrets of the university when the wind rustles their leaves. The moss that dangles from their branches adds a tangled wildness to their silhouette. It also adds palpitations to one's heart when it falls on you when you are walking to HCB for statistics class, causing a mild heart attack before you even see the lesson your professor has concocted for the day. Landis green is spectacular and calm, with its frothing fountain in the middle of its green expanse and freshman practically making a baby on the right. No need to buy drinking glasses, Market Wednesdays will provide ones that change color with apartment complex advertisements on the front to fill your cupboards. The restricted section of Dirac Library will have you channeling your inner Hermione Granger during a Chemistry study session.
Florida State University, I thank you. Thank you for showing me how to be the woman I grew up to be within your walls. Thank you for showing me that Baker County Florida is not the only spot on the map. Thank you for opening my mind to new and exciting things that I would never have considered had I not come to you. Not like "I kissed a girl and I liked it" exciting, but like traveling the world and new languages sort of exciting. Thank you for showing me the meaning of true friendship. Nothing says best friend like being able to live with someone for three years without one of you killing the other. Thank you for shedding light on those who are not worthy enough to be in my life, and making me smart enough to realize it. Thank you for giving me confidence to do whatever the Hell I want in this life, whether it be writing a blog on all sorts of precarious topics or writing a book about a whore. Yep, you all heard it. That is coming this way, sometime in the near future. Thank you for showing me that I have options. Options in every aspect of this life. I can be a physical therapist, a teacher, a writer, a fashion merchandiser or an actress. Thank you for showing me that I do not necessarily have to choose just one. Thank you for opening doors to things that I never would have considered, or known I was good at. I never took a writing class at FSU, although I have had many Gordon rule classes. By the way, screw you Gordon, whoever you are. Whoever thought to make students write 6000 words to gain credit for the class in question is a sick son of a bitch. But through all the stress and fun experienced at FSU, I found writing to be an extraordinary outlet for my thoughts. Writing to me is sort of like the Pensive to Dumbledore, and no less of a mind saver. Thank you for showing me that there is more to life than finding a mediocre boy and marrying him. Seriously on that one, thank you. Thank you for turning me into the brilliant, open minded, thoughtful, caring, encouraged, vivacious, funny girl I am. Some may call that conceited, I call it being truthful about one's strengths.
So thank you Florida State, for everything. Now, not only is there garnet that flows through my veins, but now there is gold, too.
